tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33880560524390318222024-03-05T06:50:09.616-08:00A.B. ThomasA.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-60588326195225780912017-08-04T09:41:00.005-07:002017-08-04T09:41:54.991-07:00The Poisoned Fang on Preorder from Extasybooks!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4XG7f3UD8knfJmNwpdjLQH5nyAuRtNXG7HuzePfsn5kidbDELz42CaHD6Qk5ylJaDxazJWuxTrL5RaZ2d8x2u8h0BIMkwqGQ77fyKJe6CH4cE4qnPE5mC1lAfEJewAh8_CordRHL_xKsZ/s1600/thepoisonedfang300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4XG7f3UD8knfJmNwpdjLQH5nyAuRtNXG7HuzePfsn5kidbDELz42CaHD6Qk5ylJaDxazJWuxTrL5RaZ2d8x2u8h0BIMkwqGQ77fyKJe6CH4cE4qnPE5mC1lAfEJewAh8_CordRHL_xKsZ/s320/thepoisonedfang300.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">A year ago, Air force Captain Jared Club
was flying missions into Kaiser controlled areas, but now he waits in the city
of Red Deer Crossing on an indeterminate leave of absence after failing a
psychological examination. The things he saw in his dreams as a child, places
called Disneyland, games you play on television, and men wearing fish nets as
shirts insisting that they are too sexy, have gained in such vividness that he
cannot tell what is real and what is not. As if he did not doubt his sanity
enough, an Aboriginal man has come to him claiming that the dreams are real and
the life he is living is not, and Jared has the power to put the world back to
the way it should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does a crazy
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Jared Club along with his friend and
bartender Mikey cross the ocean to infiltrate the maw of the Kaiser regime. Can
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the Templar? </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">There is no possible way to win but what alternative do they have
but to try? Besides, when you have a woman, who you don’t remember in the
slightest, claiming to be the goddess of the northern seas and is pissed at you
for standing her up, a bullet to the head seems far more humane way to meet
your end…</span></div>
A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-54577712924177717922017-07-23T21:01:00.001-07:002017-07-23T21:03:05.886-07:00Doing a little interview with Coach KellieSo I did a little Q and A with Coach Kellie. Come and check it out at<br />
<br />
<a href="http://kelliekamryn.com/2017/07/time-to-tumble-with-a-b-thomas/">http://kelliekamryn.com/2017/07/time-to-tumble-with-a-b-thomas/</a>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-2950299755339407182017-07-06T09:05:00.001-07:002017-07-06T09:05:38.071-07:00SALE AT EXTASY!!!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0TzQEYfIhEHvKcpR0c04gRfupKGrjapD602ZByi1DPNgkFCxvMeuK9T4dJCOMXPKwsrxmn0dJx-Ciod6UX2JEM-lU8Pesm599tUG3wCaXu707SWSOjYH-tgOH3hgtl4szMOQUb6Z3ty80/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="642" data-original-width="642" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0TzQEYfIhEHvKcpR0c04gRfupKGrjapD602ZByi1DPNgkFCxvMeuK9T4dJCOMXPKwsrxmn0dJx-Ciod6UX2JEM-lU8Pesm599tUG3wCaXu707SWSOjYH-tgOH3hgtl4szMOQUb6Z3ty80/s1600/unnamed.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-255337665623187022017-05-20T08:22:00.001-07:002017-05-20T08:22:51.412-07:00The Reproductive cycle of Goblins/hobgoblins<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdpsiUrHw43mg6k9t1pRp2W0kK1z_tSSuUb5b_HQK8k7EiusKh56FWywgTyxKikykooBZptBUsU8rWeG8xlyEXFYMzUN4m1kYSBCFQtLFua-YdvGh8gai56NyncESN-IsVvBDB_AvQuokA/s1600/shirtazia300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdpsiUrHw43mg6k9t1pRp2W0kK1z_tSSuUb5b_HQK8k7EiusKh56FWywgTyxKikykooBZptBUsU8rWeG8xlyEXFYMzUN4m1kYSBCFQtLFua-YdvGh8gai56NyncESN-IsVvBDB_AvQuokA/s320/shirtazia300.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
In writing this book, I stumbled across an interesting problem - making the story fit my anal retentive need to have things, while fanciful, be plausible. What I decided to do was to restructure the some of the legends of goblins and hobgoblins to fit what I wanted them to be. One of the primary motives was to make hobgoblins and goblins the same species, just the opposing genders. Why? I needed to create a way that made sense to me on why the character, Shirtazia, would be behaving in the manner she does in the book. To that end, I came up with this:<br />
<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">goblins
and hobgoblins</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Physical
characteristics</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Goblins and hobgoblins, though in popular
lore portrayed as two distinct races, are the other’s gender opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Goblins (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gobelinus
Hominem</i>) are the male of the species while hobgoblins (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gobelinus Feminaeris)</i> are the female of the species.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The Goblin is anatomically similar to an
aged, smaller homo erectus with a few differences. Physically, the difference
is noticeable in the average stature and facial features. The tallest hobgoblin
is five foot nine inches on record, the shortest being three foot, though the
average height is five foot five inches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The tallest goblin is recorded at three foot nine inches, the shortest
at two foot ten inches with the average being three foot five inches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hobgoblins are larger than their goblin
counterparts for the purpose of reproductive purposes; just as the muscle
tissue of the hobgoblin are much more compact to allow the female to overpower
a male attempting to elude her amorous advances.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Goblins that have not altered their
appearances with shimmering (see shimmering) have elfin ears, the tips pointed
rather than rounded that accentuate the sharpness in their hairline, chin and
nose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The colour of the goblin skin is
determined by the environment to how dark or light that it appears to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of the extreme stress that goblins
undergo during the birth and maturation period, their skin often develops
wrinkles within the first three years of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The goblin fingernails resemble the homo erectus when they are at rest
but in a defensive stance these nails have a secondary set that can extend from
the cuticle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The edges of these
secondary nails are jagged and capable of penetrating the hide of an elephant.
The major difference in the anatomy of the goblin and homo erectus is in the
reproductive organs (see the reproductive cycle of the goblin).</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The goblin age can be equivocated to the
homo erectus in that while human age is by the base of decades the goblin’s can
be assessed by centuries. The oldest goblin on record was nine hundred and
twenty eight before he died of natural causes while the oldest hobgoblin lived
to the age of nine hundred and forty-two. The average age of a goblin and
hobgoblin in a densely populated area of goblins is one hundred and twenty-one,
though as the population density of hobgoblins decrease, the mortality rate
elongates.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Shimmering</span></i><span lang="EN-US"> is a camouflage technique used primarily by hobgoblins. There are
few instances where a goblin has used shimmering. Goblins detest the look of a
human while a hobgoblin will socialize with a human over another
hobgoblin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A hobgoblin can soften and
blur her features to pass for a member of the homo erectus by vibrating her
body four times faster than the human eye can register.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This vibrating motion is so subtle that the
air displacement around her is negligible, if at all felt by a human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often this displacement is reasoned to be a
slight draft. Shimmering requires aural energy and as long as a hobgoblin has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">contact</i> with a mortal for three quarters
of an hour every day, she is recharged for the remainder of that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This contact does not require actual touching
but a close proximity no greater than six inches from the generator of the
aura.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The goblin species, because of the degree
of potential kinetic energy their bodies may have to absorb in the act of
shimmering, are three times denser in muscular tissue than the average homo
erectus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This natural conditioning makes
the being faster, stronger and far more resilient to physical damage due to
increase in the elasticity of the being’s skin molecular make up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The personality of a goblin is far more
abrasive and abusive towards humans and hobgoblins alike than to another
goblin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Goblins are solitary creatures,
preferring the company of the animals that they were raised around or living in
abandoned human dwellings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Goblins are
nomadic until they find an area that is relatively free of hobgoblin ‘hunting’
territories. Before the eradication of their natural forest habitat, goblins
used to live in packs for protection against the hobgoblin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">attacked
</i>the pack would surrender or force the weaker or lamer members of the pack
to fornicate with the hobgoblin, ensuring the survival of the stronger members
of the pack for hunting and gathering purposes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Hobgoblins are far more socially adept,
often using their shimmering to interact with the local human population.
Hobgoblins will not interact socially but are repulsed by goblins except for
when in heat. Hobgoblins have a territorial pheromone in their urine that warns
other mature hobgoblins away from their marked territory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If another mature hobgoblin invades the first
hobgoblin’s territory, purposefully or unintentionally, it will result in the
death of the weaker hobgoblin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both
goblins and hobgoblins will allow immature goblins and hobgoblins to observe
their behaviour from a distance as long as the immature ones do not interfere
with the daily rituals that the goblin or hobgoblin have.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">The
Reproductive organs of goblins</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Just as their outlook on life, the
reproductive cycle of the goblin and hobgoblin in ingrained in violence. A
newborn goblin is not reared by either a goblin or hobgoblin but is left to
either survive or die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gobfant
mortality rate is twenty-three percent, ten percent higher than pre-industrial
revolution as more of the natural areas of goblinhood have been replaced by
structures.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Gobelinus
hominem</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Flaccid, the penis of the goblin resembles
the shape and texture of the average mortal man with the exception of the glans
being slightly thinner and not as round with a quarter inch thick holey spinal
cord like cartilage ridge that runs from the base of the scrotal sac underneath
the corpus cavernosum urethrae and frenulum to the metus on the tip of the
glans.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Erect, the penis of the gobelinus hominem
differs from the mortal male. The corpus cavernosum penis does not increase in
girth size with the introduction of increased blood flow but does become
slender as the cartilage ridges filling with blood engorged sinew elongate the
corpus cavernosum penis almost twice its length.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The glans of the penis becomes triangular in
shape as the majority of the mass of the frenulum is absorbed into the
cartilage, resembling an arrow head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
cartilage, saturated with the blood and muscle and cellular tissue, has a tip
that extends out of the meatus three sixteenths of an inch that is sharp enough
to create incisions with the least amount of pressure applied upon it,
effectively turning the penis into a small pike.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">As in mortal men, the goblin scrotum is the
area responsible for the creation of sperm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unlike mortal men, who are constantly producing sperm from maturity on,
the goblin’s testes (gestes) are only operational just before projected
copulation otherwise the gestes are in hibernation just as the penis remains
flaccid until arousal is instituted, usually by the pheromone tracer from a
hobgoblin.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">During sexual intercourse, the triangular
the head of the penis also impales the ovary sac of the hobgoblin as well as
slicing deeply into the vulva and the vaginal opening in order to flood the
vaginal opening with blood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This pool
serves as a thinning agent for the release of the sperm that is ejaculated with
the consistency of molasses. The mixture of blood, sperm and vaginal mucus then
are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pumped</i> into the tattered ovary
sac to allow fertilization of the eggs contained within. Once an egg has
successfully been fertilized, the egg produces a </span><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">beta-adrenergic
agonist hormone as well as a neuromuscular agent that signals the nerves in the
penis to return to flaccidity and temporarily paralyzes the goblin from
withdrawal of the penis or moving off the hobgoblin for a twenty four hour
period.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Another note of the effects on goblin
civilization from the mortal society is the use of Viagra in goblins for
suicidal purposes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been reported
by the Celestial Bureau of Vital Statistics there has been a twenty-one percent
increase in suicides by goblins since the introduction of Viagra into the
population.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The commonest form of
suicide is the goblin takes the pill then leans over with his chin jutting out
the most likely area that the erection will form. It is not unusual for
hobgoblins to socialize with mortals, the amount of hormones stored in their
mammary glands make their sexual appetite quite high.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Gobelinus
feminaeris</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">In the goblin reproductive process, the
hobgoblin is the aggressive gender. When in heat (which occurs foreighty-seven
hours every thirty six point four years after their first one hundred and
twenty-one years of existence) hobgoblins release the sex pheromone, gobrosia,
which activates the goblin’s desire for copulation (necessary as for the
majority of goblins the inactive hormone gestosterone production of the testes
leaves no sexual desire).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The drawback
to this pheromone is that it is very concentrated which by having a greater
mass does not remain airborne for very long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The traditional mating ritual of goblins and hobgoblins is that the
hobgoblin, who is stronger and larger than the goblin, pins the goblin down on
the ground then sprays the pheromone directly into the goblin’s face to awaken
the gestes and the creation of sperm.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Whereas the mammary glands in mortal woman
play a significant role in the post-birth cycle, the mammary glands in a
hobgoblin are for pre-copulation purposes. Sharp cilia which rest just under
the surface of the areole but when arousal occurs, the puffing of the nipple
pushes these quills to just above the skin line to deliver a series of hormones
from six ducts located within the mammary tissue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These hormones, dopamine, orexan, prolactin,
serotonin, oxytocin and lutrophin in the form of a syrup liquid that slickens
not only the nipple but the majority of the surface of the areole. The
hobgoblin either forces or coaxes the goblin to rub his lips tongue and nose around
her breasts that stimulate the release of these hormones which put the goblin
into a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">trance</i> of lust and the want to
mount the hobgoblin for procreative purposes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Due to the precise movements needed to
successfully conceive, the hobgoblin have small cilia that run along her
gluteus maximus that secrete a venom that once absorbed by the goblin’s skin
causes the cessation of gesterone and extreme pain to discourage rear mounting.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The outer genatlia of the gobelinus
feminaeris in a non excitable state, as with its male counterpart, the vulva
and clitoris is barely discernable from a mortal woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The inner reproductive organs differ greatly
however in the gobelinus feminaeris from a mortal woman’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no uterus or fallopian tubes; the
hobgoblin’s eggs, which she has had since birth, are stored in an ovum sac that
is attached just inside the cervical opening. During copulation the sac is
punctured allowing for the fertilization of the ova.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once the ova have been fertilized, the
hobgoblin’s gestrogen mutates into gesterone and signals the engorgement of the
clitoris.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The hood of the clitoris folds back to
expose the clitoris, which is a miniature version of the gobelinus homenim’s
penis, with the cartilage ridge intended to perform in the same manner as the
penis on a smaller scale. The clitoris, rubs against the pelvic muscle of the
goblin, slicing through the skin to the muscle where the second function of the
clitoris begins. The clitoris has a opening that once the thin layer of skin
that covers it has been exposed due to the friction of close physical contact
that leads directly to the cervical opening. When the clitoral opening exposes
itself to air, the vacuum created by the penis <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shoots</i> the combination of blood, sexual liquids, unused sperm and fertilized
ova through the clitoral opening into the muscle of the goblin’s pelvis. The
re-rounding and shortening of the penis inside the vaginal opening due to the </span><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">beta-adrenergic
agonist hormone and neuromuscular agent squeezes the penis tightly against the
walls of the vagina tightly, popping a series of tiny postules that line the
top of the vaginal opening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These
postules contain a blood clotting agent that then is sucked up the clitoral
opening to seal the ova inside the muscular tissue of the goblin. Though there
is some blood clotting agents that remain in the vaginal and clitoral openings,
there is not enough to stop the haemorrhaging the damage to the cervical wall
the penis has done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The result is that
within two hours, the hobgoblin dies with a goblin paralyzed atop of her.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It should be noted that while the clitoral
hood opens naturally, this process can be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">willed</i>
by the hobgoblin for the hood to fold back to expose the clitoris
pre-insemination to heighten her sexual pleasure or for self-satisfaction
requirements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This procedure is not
widely practiced however as it increases the hormonal quantities the body
produces, leaving the hobgoblin to be driven into hyper-sexually excited state<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>from the pressure of the ovarian sac that has
continued to expand until the sac becomes so thin that it bursts. The fluids
and the eggs then are flushed out of the vaginal opening leaving the hobgoblin
barren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without the sac containing the
ova the hobgoblin is not only barren but loses her ability to manage the
gestrogen production that ordinarily is controlled by the ovary sac. This
condition leaves the hobgoblin in a permanent heat.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">The
development of a goblin</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The first seventy two hours is considered
the most dangerous time in the gestation period of a viable gobelinus
zygote(called a gygote).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During this
period it grows at the rate of six billion, two hundred and eighty million,
seven hundred and eighty-one thousand and six hundred eight6 cells per hour
which requires the gygote to absorb nutrients from the host constantly to
continue at this rate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the host
expires or if the host is strong enough to remove the gygote, it will
perish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After this seventy two hour
period the gygote’s cellular composition has begun to specialize processes and
that one of which is a thin synaptic <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hotwire</i>
that slices through the host’s muscle and tendons to the pelvic splanchnic
nerve system to assume control of the parasympathetic nervous system, which
promotes the digestion and ejection of wastes to reroute the necessary
nutrients the zygote is required to absorb through the blood vessel system that
surrounds the zygote. It is uncertain whether the goblin host is aware of the
gygote or if the trauma of having his penis <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">stuck</i>
inside the corpse of a hobgoblin for approximately twenty two hours causes a
short term memory loss.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">For the period between the gygote and
geoetus, there is no delineation of gender.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The gender factor is based on the amount of sunlight that the host body
absorbs beginning for twenty four hours on four hundred and eighth hour of
gestation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Greater than four and one quarter hours
creates a hobgoblin</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Lesser than four and one quarter hours
creates a goblin</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Equal to four and a quarter hours creates a
gobhob</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The base hormone, gesterone, is exuded by
the host’s pores onto the surface of exposed skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This exposure deteriorates the hormone from
its pure form to the point where it turns into gestrogen, the femine hormone
which is then absorbed by the host’s skin into the stomach where the geotus
then becomes the sex of the hormone absorbed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It should be noted that with the invention
of artificial uv lighting, there have been cases of gesterone being fully
deteriorated leaving nothing for the geotus to absorb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In these cases, the hobgob, as they are known
as, are born without external reproductive characteristics with only a flap
covering the urethra for liquid waste expulsion.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">On the 33<sup>rd</sup> day the host can no
longer sustain the gobetus and his own nutritional requirements for optimal
functioning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this point, the gobetus,
its fingernails having formed into a biological scalpel, tear through the
hosts’ abdominal wall into the stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The acid eats at the gobetus’s thick crust of waste that has formed
around the skin and tissue until the fecal prison has been eaten away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What stomach acid that hasn’t been used then
eats away at the original incision the hobgoblin’s clitoris had made in order
to allow quicker access for the heterotrophic baterica and various insects for
a hastened decomposition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this stage
the gobetus does not have functioning lungs so it converts the end gases of the
decomposition process of the acetogens in creation of co2 and hydrogen to
create water and oxygen through cells called fermacellia.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The gobetus will continue to grow until
there is no more material to be absorbed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This stage varies upon the environmental conditions outside the host
such as temperature and humidity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
this time as flesh and tissue are being consumed by the maggots and lichen, the
lungs develop and take over respiratory responsibilities.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Once this occurs, the gobetus bursts from
the goblin host, feasting upon the maggots until it is engorged then crawls
away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The approximate size fluctuates,
depending on the amount of time it has spent in the constrained environment of
the goblin, as well as the physical size and girth of the goblin, though on
average the size of a gobetus at this point is eleven and three quarters inches
in length.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The gobetus then finds a den of a
omnivorous animal, particularly in northern areas of foxes while in Africa the
gobetus opts for hyena dens. Before entering the den, the gobetus will roll in
the urine of the host family to cover itself with that families scent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This act plus the release of a soothing
pheromone wills the parental unit to adopt the gobetus until it outgrows the
den.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gobetus, now considered a
goddler, then leaves to find his or her own den to live in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The goddler period lasts for four years
where it can grow up to three feet though its appearance will not alter, the
way it looked the day it left the hosts body is the way it will look the for
its natural life. In the fourth year the goblin or hobgoblin’s tongue sheds,
altering its ability to stomach raw meats and for a brief time until the age of
maturity will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mentor</i> with a goblin or
hobgoblin that has not yet experienced heat or being hunted by a hobgoblin in
heat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once this passage of puberty has
taken place, then goblins and hobgoblins take on the traditional behaviours
assigned to them in lore.</span></div>
<br />
<br />A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-8719844430135630472017-05-20T08:16:00.000-07:002017-05-20T08:16:10.592-07:00Shirtazia<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdpsiUrHw43mg6k9t1pRp2W0kK1z_tSSuUb5b_HQK8k7EiusKh56FWywgTyxKikykooBZptBUsU8rWeG8xlyEXFYMzUN4m1kYSBCFQtLFua-YdvGh8gai56NyncESN-IsVvBDB_AvQuokA/s1600/shirtazia300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdpsiUrHw43mg6k9t1pRp2W0kK1z_tSSuUb5b_HQK8k7EiusKh56FWywgTyxKikykooBZptBUsU8rWeG8xlyEXFYMzUN4m1kYSBCFQtLFua-YdvGh8gai56NyncESN-IsVvBDB_AvQuokA/s320/shirtazia300.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
The hobgoblin, Shirtazia, is living a peaceful life among mortals until her instinct to reproduce surfaces with murderous results. Bounty hunter for the gods Jared Club is sent to investigate and stop the hobgoblin before folklore becomes fact. The only problem is that hobgoblins can change their appearance so the hunter has no idea who he is looking for. Can he stop the hobgoblin before she kills again or will he become one of her victims?<br />
<br />
<br />
Available at Extasybooks!<br />
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/&source=gmail&ust=1495377675907000&usg=AFQjCNH6bhJSYxYUa6P1r9lTjsBtAuD97w" href="http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/" target="_blank">http://www.extasybooks.com/a-<wbr></wbr>b-thomas/</a>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-77559905555623581612017-05-20T08:14:00.000-07:002017-05-20T08:14:36.987-07:00The Takitawah<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnK18hzPJ49PIA162ZbYa3-s8AjUeSkCd2tfuRCFnWh3cINiD-OIAzUa6V-qnqa8dRNCpFMAJb6XcwH5JCta_Zzes6ZTnPvKC4dsnVLmL4wxqDtyfvQ-XojnXJNXjOTMg0JqdyyWlYQXQE/s1600/thetakitawah300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnK18hzPJ49PIA162ZbYa3-s8AjUeSkCd2tfuRCFnWh3cINiD-OIAzUa6V-qnqa8dRNCpFMAJb6XcwH5JCta_Zzes6ZTnPvKC4dsnVLmL4wxqDtyfvQ-XojnXJNXjOTMg0JqdyyWlYQXQE/s320/thetakitawah300.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The mortal bounty hunter for the gods, Jared Club, is not having a good spot of luck. First, he has to deal with a rogue leprechaun, which makes him question whether he should be doing the job at all. His personal assistant isn’t helping matters either with her questions about what he really does for a living and Club suspects that the man that he has as a tracker who thinks he is a werewolf diddled on the floor because Jared knows darn well that he never spilled anything there. If that wasn’t enough, a goddess has called upon him for assistance. He discovers that a mystical wolf with the power to cause avalanches has sired a pup that lives in the mortal world as a domestic pet. It is up to Club to stop the beast before it becomes aware of its power. Will he be able to, or will it become the instrument to his demise?<br />
<br />
Available at Extasybooks!<br />
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/&source=gmail&ust=1495377675907000&usg=AFQjCNH6bhJSYxYUa6P1r9lTjsBtAuD97w" href="http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/" target="_blank">http://www.extasybooks.com/a-<wbr></wbr>b-thomas/</a>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-88892107800712796692017-05-20T08:13:00.000-07:002017-05-20T08:13:13.479-07:00Slivers of Belle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOkAqywFHMjRDmwwxt3mw540K2Ehr7hh0nQrr1nwdQobnlT4FVt01LopNzpmsCkxRtfiBKxK0wxsgT89KlhITptAvD5ol1x4MxamxqVfCzmoLRaTV8BJDKu0gurBSuh2pQ2H-JEkHJqjb0/s1600/SLIVERSOFBELLE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOkAqywFHMjRDmwwxt3mw540K2Ehr7hh0nQrr1nwdQobnlT4FVt01LopNzpmsCkxRtfiBKxK0wxsgT89KlhITptAvD5ol1x4MxamxqVfCzmoLRaTV8BJDKu0gurBSuh2pQ2H-JEkHJqjb0/s320/SLIVERSOFBELLE.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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Ten years earlier, Belle Hayden attempted to take her life and failed. For a decade, her body has lain in a hospital bed while her soul has sat in a classroom she remembered from a happier time. She remembers nothing of her past and only sees the unchanging moment. But that is about to change. Unbeknownst to her, she had been chosen to be given a happy-ever-after by the Fairy Godmother Union and they mean to give her one. Jared Club, bounty hunter for the gods, along with his spiritual enhanced broadsword, Boudicca, have been given the task of getting Belle to move on. With the assistance of the head fairy godmother, Florence, Jared will have to find the slivers of Belle’s skull that contain the memories on the mortal plain while Boudicca, in her mortal spiritual form, will have to get the woman in limbo to accept who she was once. Will Belle Hayden become who she once was or will she choose to let her body be as her memories are to her, dead?<br />
<br />
<br />
Available at Extasybooks!<br />
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<br />A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-57987407344681270502017-05-20T08:07:00.001-07:002017-05-20T08:07:21.087-07:00Dempsey's Demise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Harriet Dempsey dreamed of the life of an aristocrat. Harriet became the instrument for the vain wants of an aristocrat. Turned into a vampire just as she was to give birth to a child and then held captive, Harriet finds humanity among the monstrosity. Can Harriet keep hold of her own humanity when faced with betrayal after betrayal, or will she give into the monster within?<br />
<br />
Available at Extasybooks!<br />
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/&source=gmail&ust=1495377675907000&usg=AFQjCNH6bhJSYxYUa6P1r9lTjsBtAuD97w" href="http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/" target="_blank">http://www.extasybooks.com/a-<wbr></wbr>b-thomas/</a>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-7965289621645680732017-05-20T07:42:00.001-07:002017-05-20T07:42:08.479-07:00Dancing with the Mythess<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtoai3p4yA7S-7zpA-epLp2awbRmvQkOs-UxXrZVv7A28tzW5n8Drt3shB7rj9KYwg7ZfdkMzMkbalnBNG8ICVk8vdtWW4Rm_-Zj7Gv2xI5qhT-9yYs8BpnsZ9EOMR75ccYoub1nkq4M93/s1600/dancingwiththemythess300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtoai3p4yA7S-7zpA-epLp2awbRmvQkOs-UxXrZVv7A28tzW5n8Drt3shB7rj9KYwg7ZfdkMzMkbalnBNG8ICVk8vdtWW4Rm_-Zj7Gv2xI5qhT-9yYs8BpnsZ9EOMR75ccYoub1nkq4M93/s320/dancingwiththemythess300.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
Did you ever hear the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer’s daughter? Of course you have, but have you ever heard the one about the stranded bounty hunter for the gods and the farmer’s son and daughter? Didn’t think so. Stranded for the night at a remote farm, Jared Club relates his story of how he became a bounty hunter to the two adult children of the farmer who lends him his barn to sleep in for the night. The only problem is that sleep is the last thing his two listeners are interested in doing, with doing Jared being what they are really interested in. Will Jared be successful in his plan of distraction or will his end be met by a farmer with a shotgun and a very itchy trigger finger? <br />
<br />
Available at Extasybooks!<br />
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/&source=gmail&ust=1495377675907000&usg=AFQjCNH6bhJSYxYUa6P1r9lTjsBtAuD97w" href="http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/" target="_blank">http://www.extasybooks.com/a-<wbr></wbr>b-thomas/</a>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-28662032555852035912017-05-20T07:38:00.001-07:002017-05-20T07:42:27.351-07:00Jared Club is Mything his Mummy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3zkPC44VfNLi28PWfB7AgXKet7uyyFnaGAq02Lfsvp_e8q9e-Fezi_zlEBDZ2AhI-HrgkJsKDWHIdUveqszOM_fbJrWh2qpK8czEeKZQywPuACMd-U-Umqga7asDBCZiPik8UFalurdAf/s1600/jaredclubismythinghismummy300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3zkPC44VfNLi28PWfB7AgXKet7uyyFnaGAq02Lfsvp_e8q9e-Fezi_zlEBDZ2AhI-HrgkJsKDWHIdUveqszOM_fbJrWh2qpK8czEeKZQywPuACMd-U-Umqga7asDBCZiPik8UFalurdAf/s320/jaredclubismythinghismummy300.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
Be mortal or god, the quest for power and the willingness to destroy all that stands in its way is a strong pull to resist. For humanity the threat of death can bear heavy upon decisions made, however when one is a god incapable of dying? Not so much. In an effort to keep the warring factions of gods from spreading their influence on humanity which would lead to the destruction of both the Heavens and Earth, The Department of Justice for Mythological Entities was created to ensure there would not be any supernatural interference in humanity. Kuan-Ti, head of the department, chose to recruit a mortal bounty hunter. The god found his hunter, a man called Jared Club. Club, who can accept the existence of an entity without the inclination to question its validity, though there are contradictory factors involved—a person who has given up on his own humanity to the same degree that society has. Jared is a man who believes that in finding solutions, two heads are better than one—with both heads belonging to the same person, and that does not think that opportunity only knocks once—he prefers to think that opportunity has two knockers. From the snow-laden woods of Northern Alberta to the sand laden desert of Egypt, Bounty hunter for the gods, Jared Club travels to stop the rise of an ancient power from taking his place as The Truth. Will Jared stop a chain reaction that will lead to the implosion of humanity? Or will he have mythed his mummy... by that much?<br />
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Available at Extasybooks!<br />
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/&source=gmail&ust=1495377675907000&usg=AFQjCNH6bhJSYxYUa6P1r9lTjsBtAuD97w" href="http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/" target="_blank">http://www.extasybooks.com/a-<wbr></wbr>b-thomas/</a>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-80155070567472299912016-05-19T12:09:00.000-07:002017-05-20T07:43:26.052-07:00The Club Chronicles Book 1: The Hunt for Myth October<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jWHuX8-oJN0/VZK3ELmF0lI/AAAAAAAAExA/74ZDZI0qVwc/s1600/thehuntforoctobermyth300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jWHuX8-oJN0/VZK3ELmF0lI/AAAAAAAAExA/74ZDZI0qVwc/s640/thehuntforoctobermyth300.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
Jared Club is a man who can say he has been to Hell and back without being dramatic. Once a private investigator, he employs the skills he learned in his new job as a bounty hunter for the gods. Jared’s new assignment is to hunt down a rogue vampire who threatens to reveal to the world the whispered lore and legends exist through her actions. Will Jared be able to complete his assignment, or will this assignment be his last? <br />
<br />
Available at Extasybooks!<br />
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/&source=gmail&ust=1495377675907000&usg=AFQjCNH6bhJSYxYUa6P1r9lTjsBtAuD97w" href="http://www.extasybooks.com/a-b-thomas/" target="_blank">http://www.extasybooks.com/a-<wbr></wbr>b-thomas/</a>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-19753301453502047632015-10-25T13:05:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.460-07:00Monetta's Monument<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">When I write a story it is not so much as a single story but several at the same time, often characters grow on me even if they are minor to the plot. Monetta is such a character.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had one chapter of interaction with my main character and a ‘cameo’ in another with one of the other major characters in The Hunt for Myth October (coming soon from Extasy.com). During the shaving down of the novel and reedits one of the chapters I had in the outline undeveloped, the fate of Monetta Podul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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The display of naught but shades of white, grey and black sharpened quickly as the distance between the ground and Monetta’s face lessened. For less than what a blink of her eye would have taken she saw the gravel pieces as individuals. Quickly those sharp edged rocks impaled into the soft tissue of her eye along with the shards of cheekbone thick of muscle, tissue and flesh, slicing through and colliding with the rods and cones to destroy any sight. For the slightest of moments the cold of the air was dampened by the flood of warmth of blood and mucus exploding from the exploded cartridge of her nose, a blessing overlooked from the pain of shattered teeth and jawbone lacerating her tongue and throat. The last word she would hear before she was thrown from the edge of the gravel quarry to its bottom was whore. If the force of impact had not cracked the sides of her skull to open as a blooming lotus and dislodging her eardrums she would have heard “we loved you” as she lay broken and dying. However it had and she did not before the last strangled laborious breath left her lungs.</div>
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Teresa Gallows bolted upright from her sleep to being wide awake and dripping in sweat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had to peel the sheets from her legs before she could swing them over and then onto the floor. She braced her body with her hands on the mattress, her legs trembled. She began to breathe in through her nose and exhaling out her mouth to slow her heart from the rapid pace that it had been beating at.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> What the hell was that?</i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The passing of a curse </i>a woman’s voice whispered in her ear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Teresa bolted from the bed, her hands balled into fists ready to throw and turned to face the intruder that had snuck up on her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All she saw was the single bed with a twisted blanket, the tossed aside top sheet and the impression her buttocks had made in the bottom sheet as she sat the moment before. She looked around wildly to spot anything that cast a shadow that she would not ordinarily see from the streetlamp’s dull glare through her second storey bachelor apartment’s thin drapes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Nothing. </div>
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The hairs on the back of her neck twitched wildly telling her that her eyes were deceiving her, something was in the room with her. Goosebumps formed along the entirety of her nakedness as wisps of ice cold slithered and encircled her. She stepped back until her back was against the wall, although the roughness of the paint against her bare skin felt like sandpaper it allowed a small sliver of ease to impale her mind. A moment later the sliver had disappeared as her head was forced back hard into the wall cracking the plaster. A series of sharp pains assaulted her stomach as if someone had punched her. Vomit spewed out as the pressure holding her head vanished. She doubled over and then dropped to her knees.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“He has forsaken us because you lusted for it,” she heard a voice of a woman that sounded older than the first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teresa could sense the disdain in her tone. “You are nothing but a dirty whore.”</i></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Please, no, please, I’m not,” Teresa moaned through pants of pain as she held one arm tight against her stomach and kept her body from falling forward with the other. Her head snapped sharply to the side as if she had been slapped hard on her cheek by an unseen hand.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Their deaths are upon you, whore,” the old woman’s voice said scathingly. “Your friends...your brother, your sister, all die because you chose to satisfy your own selfish needs over them.”</i></div>
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Teresa felt pressure under her armpits and she was lifted up until only the tips of her toes touched the floor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No, please, I don’t understand,” she whimpered as the pain of the pinched muscles and skin under her arms increased with every second she was suspended.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Whore.”</i></div>
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Teresa felt a searing pain just below her midsection as if she was being carved into with a scalpel. Her eyes rolled back and the pressure under her arms ceased. Teresa slumped to the floor unconscious.</div>
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There was greyness in the Romanian afternoon sky as the nine stood side by side at the edge of the gravel quarry surrounded by their clan of eighteen souls. Monetta Podul stood on the end of the five and stole a glance before staring straight ahead again. Her older brother, Grigore stood beside her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next to him was her older sister, Katrina, then the man she had been promised to when God would give his blessing, Viktor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other three men and two women she had grown up with and cherished as much as her own family. Standing two steps ahead of the rest of her clan was her mother, the matriarch of their Gypsy caravan, Bogdana, with her back turned to the nine.</div>
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“My family, we are gathered here today as witness,” the old women spoke loud to the crowd. She raised her hands into the air. “Witness to the power of our lord and God. Yet around us there is nothing.” Her voice dropped, “But one failed our lord and God.” Murmurs resounded through the crowd.</div>
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The knot in Monetta’s stomach that had formed when her mother had instructed the nine to stand in front of the steep edge of the gravel quarry thirty five feet below tightened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The morning had been glorious, a large feast and the excited chatting of what bounties would be bestowed upon the clan for the work of God the nine had provided the night before. When nothing appeared but a sharp wind to icily slap all exposed skin it could find, Bogdana and the ten other elders had formed a council. Less than a half hour later came the order for all to march two kilometers to the gravel quarry. Her mother’s voice rising over the crowd brought her back to the now.</div>
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“God charged us to test and then sheppard on a holy quest, and test we did,” Bogdana stated. “We have discovered too late that the purity of that test was tainted.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Tainted. The word drove Monetta’s mind back to the day before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She remembered her mother coming to her and telling the clan of the vision she had sent by God that they had been given a holy task. A man would be coming to their caravan and they were to entertain him and provide him with direction for the quest he was on. Bogdana stated that God had revealed to her that the man was neither holy nor pure and lust ravaged his body. They were to rid the man of the lust so that he may be attentive to his quest.</div>
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Questions flew at the old woman from all quarters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How was this to be accomplished? Who would do this? Bogdana had assured the clan that no one would be endanger of losing their entrance into the kingdom of Heaven by engaging in any act of lust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They would only be a lurid pantomime to beguile the man. He would be given several doses of mandrake, she explained, and with his mind made suggestively pliable the chosen would guide his mind down the Devil’s road. She went on to say that she would not allow the man in his altered state be alone with anyone of the clan lest the visions of lust were to be attempted in physicality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With her foot Bogdana drew out a large pentagram with the pit where their bonfire would be that night in the center. She placed a tree stump at each point and then asked for volunteers to carry out the ruse. </div>
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Monetta had not been surprised that her older siblings, Grigore and Katrina, stepped forward immediately. Viktor, the man she would be bound to when he had saved enough for the dowry, stepped forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Monetta stepped forward with hopes that her cheeks were not blushed.. Though it would only be a lewd play, she could feel warmth spread in her groin at the thought of being with Viktor. <span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Three couples already bound to each other stepped forward, Dooriya, Beval, Syeira, Ker, Rawnie and Durriken, to complete the pentagram.</span> Bogdana nodded and led each to their respective stumps. She tried not to show her disappointment when Katrina was paired with Viktor and tried to feel pride that her mother had chosen her to represent the clan with the man who would be coming. That night she did as she had been instructed, filling the man’s cup with mandrake-laced drink and sneaking a peek across the bon fire at Syeira to copy the acts of a proper lover. Bogdana clapped her hand bringing Monetta back to paying attention.</div>
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Maerta shyly stepped from the crowd carrying a folded sheet. Monetta was horrified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those were her sheet in her youngest sister’s arms. She watched as her mother picked up the sheet with her fingertips and lifted up so that the sheet billowed in the wind at the crowd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were sounds of disgust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bogdana turned and faced the nine so that they could see the sheet as well. There were spots where the sheet’s wrinkles were stiff and slightly stained.</div>
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“My daughter chose to betray the trust and honour of our clan by breaking her chastity,” Bogdana said loud enough that her voice echoed below in the quarry. “She chose to travel the devil’s road of fornication outside the bindings of love and greedily gave her body to lust.”</div>
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Monetta felt sick. She didn’t look at the others but she could feel their stares burning into the side of her face. She wanted to step forward and deny any wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had done exactly what she had been told to do, nothing more. How could she be accused of damning the clan? Only a soft “no” escaped her lips.</div>
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Bogdana let go of the sheet letting the wind catch it and take it past Monetta and flutter down to the pit below. “To those most betrayed by her actions, I give allow to face the one who has damned us.”</div>
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Grigore stepped out the line and stood in front of Monetta. “You were trusted, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sister</i>. I trusted you. How much hate to you have to do this to me – to us?”</div>
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“Please, brother, do not do this, I did not, could not,” Monetta tried to stop shaking from the sharpness of his words as she responded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the words came out of her mouth she tried to understand what had occurred. She had followed Syeira’s lead, had she not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had poured the man drink after drink as she was supposed to. A realization came to her. Once or twice she had felt thirsty, the heat from the night’s bonfire was intense and having to stand so close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lowered her head. “Please forgive me, I forgot my place and took a drink.” She then insisted that it was far too little to affect her.</div>
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Monetta whimpered as grabbed her by the top of her head and forced her to look him in the eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How dare you question mother’s judgment of your actions,” he said, rage causing his words to shunt. “It was your decision, wasn’t it? You knew what was in the tuica and you drank it, didn’t you? There’s a darkness in you, ‘Etta, and you have damned us because of it.” He gave her no time to respond before he drove his fist into her stomach three times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grigore released the grip he had on her hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Monetta fell to her hands and knees gasping to bring air into her lungs.</div>
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“Grigore,” Monetta through a wheeze as she lifted her hand to touch his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He flicked her hand away. “Grigore,” she repeated as she lifted her head to see the disgust written on his face. “How can you be this to me? Are we not of the same blood? Did you not do as I in the name of God? Grigore?”</div>
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“I brought you to the trailer last night,” Maerta’s voice burned in Monetta’s ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She looked to see that the younger sister had hung her head low and nervously fiddled with her fingers. “I was worried. Kat and Grigore had returned and you had not.” She raised her head. “I saw you and the man...you were doing things to him...and he to you.”</div>
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“Maerta, no, please.”</div>
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“I brought your clothes back after everyone was asleep,” the sister continued, “I hoped that the sin could be forgotten.”</div>
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“We left you alone, Etta, because we trusted our love for you,” Grigore looked at the seven in line, “We believed that you loved us.”</div>
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Had she been affected just as deep by the mandrake as the man and only imagined that she saw the others there? The night was so vivid in her memory, she would remember breaking her vow of chastity let alone seeing the man without his clothing. “I do love all of you! Don’t you see?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s been a mistake,” Monetta pleaded. “How could you think that I would do such a thing?” There was no time for her brother to answer as he was shoved away and her older sister stood before her, her face red with rage.</div>
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“Liar! Whore!” Katrina’s hand came across Monetta’s face, almost knocking both women off balance because of the force. “We were told to act the part of the Devil’s consort,” she shouted at Monetta, “You were the Devil’s whore and you enjoyed every moment.”The venom of the words from her sister struck deeper than her hand did. She looked up and searched for her younger sister. Monetta’s sadness only deepened when Maerta, head hung once more, wouldn’t look at her but moved back further until the bodies of her clan hid her from sight.</div>
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Monetta fought back the pain that screamed throughout her body as two men each grabbed her roughly under her armpit and stood up. The chants of “whore” blared around her, drowning out her whimpers for mercy. She watched as her mother took Grigore by the hand and led him right in front of her. She kissed him on both cheeks, and smiled. She told him to kneel. Mother and son both knelt, their foreheads touched for a few seconds before Bogdana leaned back. She put out her hand and a man that Monetta had called uncle all her life placed a pistol in it. He knelt beside her.</div>
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“Their deaths are upon you, whore,” Bogdana said scathingly. “Your friends...your brother, your sister, all die because you chose to satisfy your own selfish needs over them.”</div>
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“Mother, please, no,” Monetta screamed, trying to free her arms of the grip of the two men but failed. Her eyes widened as her mother put the barrel under her brother’s chin. </div>
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Monetta choked back the bile as the back of her brother’s head exploded and sprayed out splattering her with hair, sinew, muscle and shards of bone. The saltiness of blood stung her nostrils and burned her lips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She could feel small slices across her cheeks, neck, and breasts where pieces of bone had lacerated and embedded into her skin.</div>
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Her uncle caught Grigore’s caught and held the faceless body before the dirt could contaminate the gaping holes. He did not look at Monetta as he stood up with the corpse in his arms and stepped back. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Viktor stepped out of the line and stood in front of Bogdana. He began to kneel down but hesitated. He straightened his knees and turned.</div>
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Four years,” he announced looking at Monetta with hatred etched on his face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I have saved so that I could show your family how much I respected you, how much I could take care of you.” Monetta sobbed as he grabbed the collar of her dress.</div>
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“Viktor, please don’t,” Monetta whispered.</div>
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“Please don’t?” he answered with a snarl twisted on his mouth, “Why? You chose to be a whore?” Viktor pulled and ripped the dress until it tore in two and left her chest down to just below her calf exposed. </div>
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She tried to grasp the fabric together but the two holding her would not give her the slack to move her arms to even cover her breasts or pubic mound.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You try to be modest now? You showed how little respect you have for me, so why be so modest when you were so free and proud last night to show off?”</div>
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“Viktor, I love you, please, don’t, forgive me,” Monetta said through sobs. “My heart belongs to you.”</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your heart belongs to me?” Viktor laughed viciously. “But the rest can be used by any man freely? Am I just for a quick amuse until someone more interesting comes along?”</div>
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How could Monetta respond?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t remember. The shame within would never let her forgive, so how could she request that he forgive her? She searched his eyes to see any of the doting want that he once had of her still existed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She saw none but a small ridge of wetness that she could tell he was trying to force back. She tried to back away when Viktor pulled the small pocket knife out of his pants and opened its blade.</div>
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Monetta bit her lip as she felt the tip of the blade puncture the skin under her patch of pubic hair. She tried not to let out a whimper as she felt the blade shallowly carve downward and then in an arc. Viktor stood back and glared at her.</div>
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“Just like hid your true self from me I mark you so that only those who truly seek shall know what you are, an evil daemon,” he said. Without a word Viktor knelt in front of Bogdana just as Grigore had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bogdana kissed him on both cheeks before another man Monetta had respected as her elder and mentor came up and placed another pistol in her mother’s hand and knelt. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moments later Viktor was dead. Katrina was next, and then the others until only Monetta remained.</div>
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Bogdana stood up and turned to face those who stood as witness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“My family, my friends, say a prayer for the children that gave of themselves,” she said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She turned to face her daughter and took several steps until she was only a step away from her. Monetta could see nothing but blurred shapes through the thickness of blood only thinned by tears that flowed from her eyes. The smell of roses and lilacs wafted into her nostrils and she could feel the hot breath on her face. “All that remains is the betrayer.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Mother, please, don’t do this,” Monetta whispered. Through the thickness she saw nothing but harshness to the eyes that glared at her. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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“She damned her soul to Hell,” Bogdana stated, “And with no regard for any other has done so to us as well.” She spat into her daughter’s face. “See how even after the innocent willingly paid with their lives she refuses.”</div>
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“Please, mother.”</div>
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The pressure of the men’s hands holding her up disappeared. Monetta locked her knees to keep from falling back to the ground. The response to her plea came as sharp as the push on both her shoulders.</div>
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“Whore.”</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Monetta’s hands flailed wildly as she tried to twist her body to keep her footing but the tiredness and pain that ravaged her body failed to help her find the strength. Her feet left the solidness of the top of the quarry’s edge.</div>
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Teresa awoke when the glaring unblinking eye of the sun blazed through the light draperies and sent all things that dwell in the shadows to remission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lay in her bed covered by the bed sheet and blanket atop her smoothly as if she had moved at all during the night. She flipped the covers off and frantically checked her arms and stomach for bruises but there was none that she could see. There was no dull thud or ache to say that it was but she felt the back of her head for swollenness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teresa slipped out of the bed and walked over to the wall where her head had been pushed into. She could see no cracking or scuffing of the paint.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A dream? A nightmare?</i>A nervous titter passed through her lips. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Been working too much</i>. She absent mindedly ran her fingernails through her thick mound of pubic hair. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or kinkily horny</i>. Teresa shook dismissed it as a weariness playing tricks with her mind and set to showering. The itchiness she had felt retreated as the warm water ran over her body allowing her to forget about it without noticing the small slits of red welts that formed the letter “D” that the water had momentarily straightened and revealed from its curled camouflage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would not notice as well that as she walked to work the shadow on the sidewalk was not wholly hers but the shade of a woman cast away without understanding how it happened.</div>
A.B. 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table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal">Tick tock tick your time is almost up as did you pick.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen woke with a start from a sound sleep when he heard the woman’s voice coo to him in his violet hued dreams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He scanned the room quickly; he was in his own king-sized bed, in his bedroom, alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He took a long drink from the clear water bottle he had placed on his night table, checking alarm click that sat beside it as he did so – eleven oh seven.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was still evening; the dark gap between the curtains that closed his downtown penthouse’s windows from invasion from the outside world told him so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen let out a groan and tossed the covers roughly aside and stepped onto the hard wood floor and walked to the washroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The womanly voice faintly sounded in the back of his mind as he turned on the washroom light.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Tick tock tick your time is almost up as did you pick.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">At fifty one, with the highest nightly audience numbers of all the other networks combined, Allen Forrest was considered the “Chairman of the Board” of the Cable News Channel. Prime time was his playground, he was the king of the castle and everyone else was the dirty rascals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had been like that for over thirty years; politicians, celebrities, those wanting to be celebrities, even the Pope<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>called Allen first in hopes that they would get that coveted “top Story” moniker posted atop a picture of their faces on his newscast. Allen found it laughable that on the eve of the new global amalgamation of the major media corporations to provide a unified perspective on world events and his ‘coronation’ as the first president and face of The News, he would be haunted by a voice he barely remembered from his past. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen smiled cruelly at his reflection in the mirror as he gingerly splashed the cold water on his cheeks; it was around this time years ago as a much younger journalist that he had been waking in the night with the same symptoms as he did now though those were much darker times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen patted down his face with his monogrammed towel and let his mind wander back into the past.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The year was 1986, fresh out of college and brimming with the brashness that his professors glowing remarks on his talent, when Allen had left all he knew and headed off for the journalistic big league of Edmonton with the intent of having his name carved in neon. What Allen found was that he was only one of hundreds of institutionally trained remarkable talents in the rough and that no one was willing to wield the buffer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">By day he kept hounding the newspapers, the television and radio stations to give him a shot; by night he bussed at a lounge on 95<sup>th</sup>street, the roughest part of the city.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He spent the majority of his money on professional portfolio development, living in a boarding house that had an infestation of roaches inside while outside an infestation of hookers, addicts and pushers, door after door remained closed to him. For three months he tried to keep the burning faith he had in himself from turning to dying embers, but as the cold northern winds beckoned the winter to the city Allen could see that the chute was on its last piece of coal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What little money he had left after paying his weekly room and board he drank away in the dangerous of bars; half out of self pity and half out of the desire for someone to come behind him and slit his throat – at least in death someone would see his name printed in the media.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">It was the early afternoon of December twenty fourth, Allen recalled clearly, when the last door slammed in his face, knocking his portfolio, and ego, onto the heavily slush trodden carpet of a media outlet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was memorized by how quickly the costly printed summary of his life’s ambitions hungrily drank up the moisture turning the pages of white and black to a mimicry of an open binder of opaque Japanese scrolls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen began to bend down to pick the portfolio up but stopped; the water logged portfolio capsulated who Allen was to Allen. It was time to let his aspirations dissolve into pulp just as the portfolio would be in a couple of hours left on the carpet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He turned, walked away and when the first opportune door to drunken amnesia presented himself, he entered.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">At four Allen was unceremoniously escorted from his bar stool with a shove and a snarled, “Merry Christmas”, out the door of the bar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sun began to hide itself away as Allen stumbled along the quickly quietening streets with no particular destination in mind, consoling himself every block or so with a swig from the rum and whiskey bottles he had stolen from behind the bar just after they had called for everyone to leave, muttering that it should have been his time to shine, to show the world that he was worthy of being paid attention to.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">It had been hours since it seemed like the city had closed for night, his stolen liquor drunk, that Allen felt as if he were being watched.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He barely managed to remain standing as he turned around to accost his stalker, but the street was deserted. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Tick tock tick, your time is the one you pick,” a soft sulty feminine voice whispered. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen turned quickly once more, this time slipping on the frozen sidewalk with his ice-lined shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He fell hard onto his shoulder, his head bounced on the sidewalk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen cursed, picking himself off the sidewalk but he could still see no one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen knew the voice; it had awoken him from his anxiety driven dreams several times over the past month with the same words, the same seductive half whisper. He wondered if the voice was mocking him as once more it spoke up.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Tick tock tick, your time is the one you pick.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“When is it my time?” Allen screamed in demand as he raised his head to the night sky, his hands clenched tightly, his arms taunt into the sides of his body, “When is it my time? It should be fucking right now!”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen breathed heavily as he looked around then expectantly up into the falling snow. The only answer he received were those around of an active city with no concern about a drunk, hypothermic young man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen dropped to his knees, his knuckles crunching harshly into the packed down snow, bursting several capillaries but Allen entertained no thought about the reddish tinge forming, he simply hung his head until his chin rested on his sternum. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“My time is now,” Allen’s voice cracked out, “I want my time now.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">For how long Allen did not remember that he knelt in the snow sobbing, knowing only that through thick iced lashes that something had moved before him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took several hard blinks to clear the haze that his eyes were in but what he thought he saw did not alter in the clarity of sight. Allen knew the temperature had to be minus twenty optimistically, in front of him were two sandaled, dark toned but luminescent lithesome feet, not shivering but seemingly unaffected by the frigid winter’s kiss.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen’s eyes tracked up from the feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a woman, young but with an air of agelessness to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first thing that filled his sight were her eyes;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they were like a pair of liquid violet pools outlined by carefully sculpted lines of black, drawing a person even more to plunge within.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pulled himself from drowning in her eyes to her long black hair that seemed to dance down her narrow face, along her long neck and tumble joyfully along her shoulder blades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The snow that fell seemed to bend as if not to fall upon her sun bronzed skin and what looked like a single silken fabric that hung over her right shoulder that fell to just above her ankles tied in the middle with a bright multicoloured sash. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I am the Maiden of Sepphoris”, the woman explained in an over stuffed pillowy voice. “A multitude of life time upon lifetimes ago I was chosen to bestow upon the world a gift – I continue this mission to this day, and on this day, to you, Allen Christopher Forrest.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen tried to stand but the frozen ground had numbed his knees; he fell backwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He began to laugh.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“A gift for me?” he said with a harsh tone in his voice, “Why me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have done nothing that merits nothing but...nothing.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden of Sepphoris bent down and gingerly touched Allen’s cheek with the tips of her fingernails.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“When I received my gift I thought very much the same as you do,” she comforted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“When the angel spoke to me, I too tried to show that I was not worthy of the Lord’s fondness.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden stood back up and offered her hand to Allen.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“But who was I to question His wisdom?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Lord can see within us what we ourselves cannot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no right to deny but to accept that he knew that I could give the world something that it was in need of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see this in you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen laughed.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“What can I offer the world?” he barked, “The only thing I want to do is show the world themselves – that’s nothing.” Softer he repeated, “Nothing.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Is that not His way, to make something from nothing?” The Maiden asked, Allen could have sworn he caught a hint of bitterness in her words, but the Maiden’s demureness quickly returned. “I was nothing but a mother yet from that ordinary womanly task did I deliver to the world...something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not yours to ask why me but to ask why not me?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen took the woman’s hand and slowly rose to his feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He looked into those violet eyes and told her that then he too would accept her wisdom that and give the world what he could.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“And so you shall,” the Maiden said then dissipated into the night’s snow leaving Allen standing alone. The cold that had bored into his bones had disappeared, his mind was sharp and clear without a hint of the whiskey or rum; Allen felt alive and burning with renewed energy standing on sidewalk with a layer of snow already covering where he had been kneeling moments before.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Tick tock tick, began has the time you did pick....</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">By noon Christmas Day Allen was standing in the local television’s newsroom breaking a story of the city police’s ‘golden boy’ – that Allen had discovered to be a serial killer, complete with records that backed up those allegations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Within three years he had been promoted to the national press’s reporter at large, travelling around the world reporting major events.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time he was forty Allen became the face of the national news broadcast then two years later he became the spokesman for the international broadcast with the American networks and BBC courting him to work for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Six months ago the United Nations had approached him on the global news pipeline and he accepted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was not lost to Allen that the premiere broadcast of the new super news station was set for noon Mountian time Christmas day, thirty three years to the day that his life had changed.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen chuckled at himself; perhaps he should have taken some time off before the change over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine, he chided himself, attributing his success to someone who wasn’t real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He got back into bed, rolled onto his side and grasped tightly onto the pillow, still nervously guffawing as his eyes quickly called for the end of consciousness, the back of his mind cautioned him, still.....</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Tick tock tick, your time is up as did you pick.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">It was ten in the morning; Allen had been at news central since five that morning preparing for the broadcast set to begin in a matter of hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rehearsals had gone off without a hitch; all the graphics and cues had worked without fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen felt confident and told the crew to go out for a well deserved meal at the commissary – his treat- leaving him alone on the set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen stood in the middle of the set, looked around, taking in the majestic looking wall of green behind the business like looking desk, the lights, cables and cameras; this was his world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He became lost in how he thought the newscast would play out – who should he ordain as the VIP of the world by having their faces up on that green screen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should it be the American President?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Dalai Lama?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen did not realize he was not alone until the semi-forgotten voice of his dreams penetrated his thoughts.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“It was thirty three years ago I came to you to bestow a gift,” said the woman that stood metres from Allen.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen nodded, numbed by the sense of familiarity clashing with the physicality of the unexpected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it had not been for the memory of those very vivid violet eyes piercing deeply into his psyche years before, Allen would not have been convinced that the woman was being truthful of whom she claimed to be. The remembered silken smooth lustre of eterne filled flesh had deflated to pull taunt against vein, artery, tendon and bone of a barren mesa parched by an unwavering dry season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cascade of black tresses that poured down her shoulders now hung as frozen trickles of dirtied water; the woman’s frame that Allen recalled as powerfully straight had curled over as if a steel girder hung tightly around her neck threatening to crush her larynx at a moment’s time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The memoried<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>mint with a hint of honey that had swirled invitingly along his nasal passages upon their first meeting<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sloughed away at the reek that she now presented – one of urine, feces, and rotted linen.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“What do you want?” Allen asked in a smallish voice.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“I have come to collect payment for the gift of giving you to the world,” the Maiden answered.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Allen pulled out his chequebook from his inside breast pocket along with his monogrammed pen and asked, “How much? Ten, twenty, fifty grand?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden’s head slowly turned once to the side and then to the other side.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“What do you want then?” Allen asked, clicking the pen back and forth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen forced himself not to jump back in revulsion when the Maiden’s snake scaled fingers gently scraped against his left cheek.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“For you to step from the blinding light of recognition and return into the unassuming mass of humanity once more,” she replied.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Allen snapped out at the woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You think that I’ll walk away from this –“ Allen waved his hands around the set, “This is what I worked my ass off for, this is what gives meaning to my life....hell, not just me, but how many millions are expecting to see me tell them how it was, is and will be in the world?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Once I allowed the folly of pride forestall what should have been done,” the Maiden in a threatening tone, “Eternity is not praised immortality but punishment so hollowed thinly upon what is humanity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To end I must suture the tear that I let render itself.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden advanced towards Allen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen retreated step for step with the woman’s until the back of his legs were against the oak veneered metal desk that he used during his broadcasts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden did not stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rubber stops on the bottom of the desk screeched along the tiled floor as Allen forced it to move to keep a space between him and the woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the desk came to a halt against the cement wall concealed behind a large sheet of blue screen, Allen climbed backwards atop the desk never breaking eye contact with the woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pressed himself firmly against the wall seemingly to attempt to will himself to dissolve into the thin material.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden stopped a metre from the desk.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden smiled cruelly, the darkness of her pupils dilating as if a nova had burst within them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She gave both of her wrists a quick twist sending ripples up her sleeves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the material a wooden mallet shook free from one arm into her hand, from the other sleeve slipped four long crudely fashioned and rusted iron spikes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen looked incredulously at the woman; he could feel his heart slamming violently against his rib cage. He went to step back but found that the desk and blue screen that had been for so long his proclamation of authority had become the shackles of immobility.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Back in the time past it took me year after year to build up the courage to atone for the sin of entitlement that I unleashed upon the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sought and found one close to what I had made, manipulating him to find those who would erase what should never have been drawn so poorly,” the Maiden said, never taking her eyes off Allen’s. “The original sin never washed itself from the mortal world, leaving me still stained ere more – so I thought.” Allen wrestled with emotions of disbelief and awe as the woman rose from the ground until she hovered just above the height of the desk. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">There was a rush of wind by Allen’s left ear, a flash of dirty red, of wood, a rough jerk of his shoulder then a searing pain that streaked from his left hand, laying siege to his brain with catapult fires of synaptic firings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was warmth tickling the center of his left palm and though Allen didn’t want to break away from the Maiden’s glare, he could not help but steal a quick peek at her hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only three of the spikes remained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen closed his eyes as the Maiden giggled. Taking a deep gulp of the spittle that was building up around his tongue, Allen turned his head and opened his eyes.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The missing spike was embedded to its head into the wall behind the blue screen, a hand acting as if it were a washer to cushion it. It took a moment longer for Allen to realize that his left arm was outstretched and connected to that hand. Blood seeped from the edges of where flesh and metal met, collecting at the bottom of the spike’s head then loftily dripping to the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He could not muster enough breath to scream but instead a small moan crawled out of his mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden’s voice bade to him to turn his attention to her once more.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Sin is naught but a stain,” she stated, “Stains are not gone after a single wash – especially ones that so deeply seep – but if one patiently takes layer after layer of the damage away it will eventually become as if it were new once more.” This time Allen saw, as if she wished for him to witness her power, as the wooden mallet swung up, knocking his arm straight up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had not been given the time to react to the assault before her other hand shot up with one of the spikes jutting out of her fingers stabbed into his hand stopping its upward motion or the mallet swinging once more to drive it effortlessly through the flesh and into the blue screen’s wall.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Watching the Maiden’s action unravel brought Allen out of the state of shock that had padded the majority of the pain leaving him bare to the full onslaught of the visual and other sensory information frantically bouncing from both his arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen lost control of his bodily functions; warm fluid ran freely down his leg into his sock, bile that had lay dormant within his stomach erupted through both his nose and mouth along with the coffees and sandwiches he had had only a few hours before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden made no motion to move, letting Allen’s stomach contents spatter and slide down her as if the multi-coloured sludge were nothing more than the rays of sunlight bronzing her sallow skin. Between forced gulps of air Allen whimpered a single word, “Monster”.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden let Allen’s loud sputtery heaves subside before she continued to speak, for the first time that night letting slip her conciliatory tone to one of a harsh rasp.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Monster?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you know of monsters?” the Maiden snarled. She brought her face within inches of Allen’s own dirtied one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I was told that I was chosen – not given the choice!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The privilege of divine rape! Bah!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden flew back and above Allen, looking down upon him with a venomous glare.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“A gift! To whom? For a lifetime of suspicious glare from a husband accepting yet denied the promise that had been arranged? To bear children who feasted, slept and grew within a womb graced by all powerful seed yet only to be graced with a touch of which came before?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden’s body shook with rage. “To see that touch bring to bear untold suffering upon them after their predecessor was found fouled to the mortal notions?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden threw her head back, her back arched with her fists as if bound with leather pulled taut by a pair of pachyderms as if to crush the mallet and spikes, and let out a wail that assailed Allen’s ears with such intensity that he thought that his eardrums may burst.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden’s form dropped back to where her face was to Allen’s once more.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Do you know what it is to be touched by that which cannot truly die – or perhaps truly live?” she asked hardly above a hushed whimper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen saw not a glimmer of the vile woman but in her violet eyes swam that of untold hurt.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“When told that the second foretelling had not been eradicated, the first of the foretold took revenge upon those who intimately had been held by that gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To have those arms that wrapped lovingly taken, the eyes that had gazed upon without preconception pulled away from their body...the tongues that had spoken of intent nonsensical and of dreams, to be plucked...yet without the ability to drift to the endless sleep easily?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Maiden lifted her hands to her breasts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“To hold those that you had given to the world freely and strum across their throats deep to hum their coda when for day upon day, night upon night, they lay drained of all that is human to a withered shell but to able to harken a yonder foul that travels by?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden rose once more, just high enough that her pelvis’s skull-like form mirrored Allen’s fleshed one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She pulled the end of her robe up to her waist; the wall held Allen fast though he wrestled to recoil at the sight:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>greyish flaps of skin feathered down to half cover where once the woman’s sex had been – the remnants of it former appearance carved and removed to leave gouged, pockets of plump flesh and broken curled hair.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“And what of the bearer of the gift?” the Maiden said, her voice rising with each word she spoke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“To remove all evidence in the field of a second foretold coming only to leave plowed carnage of unresult?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The edge of the robe dropped back down to the Maiden’s ankles.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden’s hands slipped to her side, her face dropped for a moment as the memory of actions before swept themselves back into the corner where they had collected before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When her head returned to look straight at Allen, the harshness had returned, the quiver of un-understanding of her lower lip had been stilled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The maiden sunk down until her feet rested on the desk.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Do not speak of monsters to me, Allen Christopher Forrest – Those who would take a gift and bastardize its meaning to rationalize torture...enslavement...death... as righteous, that is what makes a monster,” The Maiden spat. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden’s furrowed brows relaxed, the sternness of her features softened as she took a step back from the desk and gave the faux-wood and metal structure a small tap with the wooden mallet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The desk shuddered momentarily then shattered to ashes as if it had been thrown into an incinerator at high heat.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“It needs to end –I raised you ahigh to be akin in what gift I originally gave wrought today...I should have stopped it before the height of martyristic acclaim brought in the sunless dawn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I make my repent.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The strobe lights that hung above Allen swayed in response to the force of his scream as the spikes in both his hands did not yield to the weight of Allen’s body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His blood gurgled and spat as the flesh of his hands stretched from their tight seal against the spikes to present a gap the size to support a second spike within.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen’s screams became half-choked sputters of agony from the blood that drizzled furiously down from his hairline and into his open maw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allen tried to stop his body from instinctual convulsions but he failed, with every flail came the sound of slight yet thick sounding tearing and a doubling of pain that he thought a man could endure. Though it threatened to, the flesh of Allen’s hands did not tear apart to release him from the wall.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The Maiden of Sepphoris knelt before Allen, laying the mallet and spikes on the floor in front of her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She raised her arms up, and then brought them down with a slow swoop until the rested at her sides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She bowed her head down, closing her eyes as Allen’s hoarse sputters and cries of agony became nothing more than faint echoes that mixed with the ones she had heard so long ago.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Forgive me my little Yeshua, forgive,” The Maiden whispered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You will hurt too many...”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">When her eyes opened once more she was no longer in the news room but knelt upon a sun parched hill surrounded by strangers in merchant, peasant, and Roman garb as the shadows crowned the sixth hour in front of her son upon the instrument of his penalty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His features were darkened by the eclipsing of the sun above his head but she could see the whites of his eyes; they whispered, “Thank you, Mother, thank you”.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tears rolled from the Maiden’s violet eyes as her hands took hold of the mallet and spikes and moved closer to Allen’s feet...</div>A.B. 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table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I looked out from my office window to the production floor below, hands behind my back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three men sat in three chairs in front of my desk; Terosa, Gelsing, and Hodgins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my back to them, attempting to collect my thoughts before sitting down to write up the incident report involving the three of them. We were a small company but we were the only supplier of preformed sidewalk cracks in the Western provinces. This meant that we were under heavy pressure to fill the demand by cities in order to keep their public work departments busy enough that the municipal governments could increase their infrastructure monies for repairs from the provincial governments in order to siphon the left over monies for junkets for the study of whether or not breast augmentation for their female civil servants could be construed as increasing public morality in the bill collecting department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Work stoppages only added to the pressure, and when the stoppage was created by an accident, the pressure was doubly so as production could not be continued until an investigation had taken place to ensure that all the safety procedures had been in action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As safety coordinator, it was my job to make sure all the “I”’s were dotted and all the “T”’s were crossed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">This was the situation we found ourselves in today; I had informed Occupational Health and Safety who was sending an investigator scheduled to be here in a half an hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had only the time before he or she got here to get all the company paperwork in order or face the company being fined for improper procedures of accident filing regulation 44-99-0.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hated rushing things but I steeled myself against my revulsion, turned to the three men and sat down at my desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">They were quite a sight; Terosa holding a bloody towel to the left side of his head, Gelsing pawing at his left shoulder annoyingly as if he were silently trying to play the wounded soldier card and Hodgins, being well, Hodgins, sitting there with his hands on his lap as he were Mr. Innocent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the secretary and our general manager out to lunch still I not only had to fill out the incident report but the injury reports as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t too concerned at the moment for the injury report since the majority would have to be filled out by the emergency room doctor and handed in to the OHS and Worker’s Compensation Board later on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gelsing and Terosa had whined about wanting to go to the emergency room but knowing that the OHS were rather rigid on having the right papers done that their boo boos could be attended to after.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surprisingly the only one of the three that had not been a big baby was Hodgins, which made me wonder what he was playing at – he was never one to pass up the opportunity to goof off on the company dime.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I made sure that I had all the requirements before me: their personal files, copies of their job descriptions, the incident report papers and the safety manual was on the floor beside me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grabbed three pens from the drawer of my desk, setting two off to the side while I kept the third in my hand and looked at the three of them with my lips pursed. To impress the seriousness of this meeting on the three employees I tapped the tip of the pen on the blank incident report several times.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“As you know,” I started off, “As part of the requirements of the OHS when an accident happens on the production floor we are required to do a preliminary incident report before the investigator gets here in order to facilitate the process of restarting production.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I waited the standard five second rule for indications of understanding.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Terosa and Gelsing nodded though I couldn’t help but notice that Hodgins just sat there smugly with a half grin on his face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The jerk always had such ‘screw the man’ attitude, it was a wonder he had any employment opportunities at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t have hired him in the first place if I would have known but he had hid it well for the first six months on the job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The past five months though when it was slim pickings for workers his slacker ways began to shine. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Despite Hodgins’s negativity I pressed on and read what I had written so far, minus the time.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“This meeting is in regards to an incident at ‘Break Your Mother’s Back, inc’ on June 23, 2009 at….” I looked at my watch, “One seventeen in the afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Attending is safety coordinator Ronald Richardson, Guido Terosa, lead hand, Terrance Gelsing, labourer and Jason Hodgins, labourer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I passed the paper for the three to sign under their names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I got it back I noticed that Hodgins had not signed it but with time being an issue I decided that I’d get him to sign his name at the top when I needed to get him to sign the bottom of the incident report.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I realized that, as with every accident, there were probably going to be three different views to what happened so I decided that I would first ask what happened then once we all agreed on a version, to write that one on as our official incident report for the OHS investigator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I folded my hands on top of the incident report, not to firmly closed so that it projected one of formality yet understanding.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Let’s get to the bottom of this matter so that we all can improve ourselves in order that something like this ever happens again,” I said with a small reassuring smile and tone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We have the basics that we all agree on, don’t we? Gelsing, don’t pick at your shoulder – it’s not very hygienic nor pretty to see - At sometime between twelve twenty and twelve forty there was a malfunction of the dual 14” saw press that caused….”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I looked back out the window at the saw line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Standing straight up almost fifteen feet in the air between the actual saw unit and the perform hydraulic press was a monolithic like structure of steel and cement that should have been horizontal and going smoothly through the saw unit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other side of the saw were large chunks of broken and twisted eight foot concrete slabs, the protective steel covers partially ripped and bent over to the sides, twenty four in all, littering the rollers that they should have simply nd rolled from the saw unit to the storage area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was not a scene of productivity and effective usage of space and safety procedures.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Significant damage to the production line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does that sound like an accurate description of the current situation on the floor right now?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two heads nodded; Hodgins didn’t even look he had heard a damn thing I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hodgins, I thought to myself, better watch his butt or I’ll be kicking it out the front door pretty quick.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“As a group,” I continued, pulling my hands apart then putting them back together again, “We should come to an agreement on what occurred before the outcome that is currently on the production line.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Terosa put his hand up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I nodded for him to speak.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well, I think that…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I stopped Terosa right there with a raise of my hand.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“No where in your work contract is there any clause that uses the word ‘think’ in your job description.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are not paid to think so you had better not be wasting company time doing something that should be done on your dime, not ours.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Terosa looked at me, opened his mouth then shut it again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His tongue flicked out of the side of his mouth as his eyes rolled upwards as if he was trying to do what I had just told him that was a violation of his contract – but then he must of decided against pushing me to see whether I give him his second of three warnings before I would have to terminate his position with the company.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“I thought….”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">The cheeky prick!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I once again held up my hand.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Terosa,” I snarled, “I have made it quite clear what your contract states.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Uhm, yes sir?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Are you trying to push your luck by saying ‘thought’ – because ‘thought’ is a derivative of ‘think’, which as I have just reminded you is not in your contract.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Terosa looked at me blankly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought I better head off any further defiant behavior from Terosa.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“And don’t you think you can get away with ‘thunk’, ‘reckon’,’mulling’, ‘rationalizing’ or ‘figure’, either,” I warned, “Those connote the same definition of ‘think’ and I will have to write you up for insubordination.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was about to continue berating Terosa on engaging in non-work related preoccupations during work hours when I saw Gelsing had meekly put his hand half way up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“What is it, Gelsing? And will you please refrain from scratching your shoulder – it’s quite off putting; this is an official procedure – show some professionalism”.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Just a question, sir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is figuring the same as thi…the ‘t word?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have to opine that if you are ‘figuring’ you are ‘assuming’ which is not really the ‘t’ word but acting on a belief rather than formulating your own course of action.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stared harshly at Gelsing for a moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I scanned the job description that was on top of the three men’s personal files.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Point taken,” I said then turned my attention back to Terosa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“As Gelsing here pointed out, you can figure or assume on company time as it there is nothing forbidding it in your job description.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sorry that the description is not as clear as it should be and I will work on clarifying this area up immediately. Now, Terosa, what did you figure?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Well, Gelsing and I were trying to disengage the saw blades at the time when the hydraulic press began to push through the second run of the product but since the saw blades were stuck really good…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Well,” I corrected.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“well into the preceeding concrete, I figure that Hodgins must have accidentally pushed the ‘process start’ button on the other side of the saw carriage when he was working from the other side to unjam the upper saw casing.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Hodgin!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why wasn’t I surprised that he would be the instigator?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I looked at Terosa while I bent down to the icebucket that I had underneath the desk and held up the piece of skull with an ear on it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“And that’s when you lost this?” I asked.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Terosa shook his head.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Was it before or after,” I bent down and reached a little further to the ice chest and pulled out Gelsing’s left arm from the cold water, “This happened?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Terosa and Gelsing looked at each other. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“I think I lost the arm first and then Terosa there lost the side of his face,” Gelsing responded.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I sighed.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“First off, Terosa did not lose the side of his face,” I commented with a little annoyance in the tone, “Clearly it is still here on the desk so it isn’t lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Secondly, stop picking at your shoulder – I cauterized the damn thing with the blow torch but if you quit picking at it you’ll pick the burnt flesh off and start bleeding all over my floor.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gelsing apologized though I noticed that his fingers would not stop playing with the black scorch marks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Excuse me, sir, I feel a little woozy, I think I may have lost a lot of blood,” Gelsing said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Could I just step outside for a moment to get a little air?”I told him no because I knew that he would go out there and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>would catch him having a cigarette and have to give him a warning about smoking on company property – the OHS was coming, for god’s sake, what did he think they would say if they found a cigarette butt?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’d give the company a large fine and then where would the company be? I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>let out a heavy sigh.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Alright, moving along,” I said resignedly, “Who is responsible for the dissecting and halving of the prostitute?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gelsing spoke up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“I believe you meant to say quartering, sir.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">I rolled my eyes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“No, I did not,” I said irritably.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Clearly the prostitute, while she was cut both length-wise and width-wise, the saw blades did not cut fully through her spine to where she would be split into separate pieces but she was firstly more filleted then turned around and cut in half – Gelsing, stop picking at your shoulder.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Sorry sir,” Gelsing said, “It’s just a little itchy.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Continuing along, who was responsible for the prostitute?” Terosa and Gelsing looked at each other then Terosa spoke up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Well, Hodgins figured….”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">Hodgins!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That son of a bitch! I looked harshly at him but he didn’t even bat an eyelash – the man had no inkling of responsibility running through his body, I thought. He just sat there silently, not attempting to help me understand, just looking at some spot on the wall; I wondered if he even cared about how much trouble his little ‘figuring’ could cause the company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have fired him long ago, the man just was inept and irresponsible – I regretted promising his wife that Hodgins would have a place here with the company after she had given me that hand job in the supply closet at last year’s Christmas party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The disgust I felt for Hodgins deafened me to the majority of Terosa’s explanation.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“…and she had said $60 for twenty minutes – Hodgins figured that since we pooled the money it would only be fair that we each should have twenty minutes with her.” He finished with a shrug of his shoulders, “It made sense at the time.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">I leaned back in my chair, putting my hands behind my head.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Did it occur to you that a) if you were looking to be equitable, you would have to cut the prostitute into thirds instead of attempting four – what were you going to do with the fourth piece?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And b) the orifices that are utilized in sexual gratification would have been made unusable since they were severed?” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">Gelsing answered; Hodgins, the coward, said nothing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Well we figured that it wasn’t very fair since Terosa here is an ass man and so is Hodgins that by doing thirds one of them wouldn’t get what they like so we figured that half an ass was more equitable than no ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It made sense that even though I’m a boob man it wouldn’t be right if I got the pair when everyone else would only get one.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Plus,” Terosa added, “we’re married men, we can look but we can’t actually touch – our wives would have killed us if they found out that we had put our junk in someone else’s scrap yard.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">I leaned forward, putting my hands firmly on the desk as I took in this information.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“So you weren’t actually going to use the prostitute in the manner that she is supposed to be used?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why the hell would you pick up a prostitute in the first place?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“We only get a half hour for lunch,” Gelsing answered matter of factly.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“So?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">“Well, the strippers are on a forty five minute rotation so in order to see boobs or ass we’d have to come back here fifteen minutes late.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">I nodded – at least they were thinking about the company’s late policy on lunch, though it did not answer the question why they would bring a prostitute on company property as well as the unauthorized use of company property for personal use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I pressed the three harder, Terosa admitted that bringing the prostitute back was Hodgins’s plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked in my calmest voice what Hodgins had to say for himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just looked back at me with a dull gleam in his eye.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Hodgins!” I slammed my fists down as I stood up<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>from behind my desk with far more force than I intended, I could see all three men’s shake as the vibration from the desk transferred over to their legs. I went to give my most serious of glares that I usually reserved for those old ladies who paid for their grocery purchases with pennies in the express lane when clearly though the sign stated eight items or less that a carton of eggs was in fact twelve so they shouldn’t have been in that aisle in the first place only to find myself staring at air.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">The audacity of that son of a bitch!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was bad enough that the bastard had sat there silently smug the entire time while letting the other two account for their actions, but to try to escape one of my glares was completely unacceptable!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, Hodgins was about to find out that there was a limit to my reasonableness and he had damn well passed that point!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I marched from my desk to where Hodgins head was rolling towards the office door picked it up and unceremonilessly slammed it back on to Hodgins’s body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I retook my seat, and with pen pointed directly at him I looked him straight in the eye.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Hodgins, I think I have been more than fair during these proceedings,” I growled menacingly, “And you have done nothing but show disdain! I am trying to do my job the best I can, so while you may think…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Figure,” Terosa piped up quickly.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Thank you…so while you may figure that this is a bunch of hooey, it does serve a purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would appreciate it if you at least had the decency to give me your attention for ten bloody minutes – this is for your benefit, not mine, you know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a lot of other things I could be doing.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US">Hodgins still said nothing – arrogant son of a bitch, he was. He was a lost cause, I decided that I would simply ignore the bastard for the rest of this meeting and carry on as if he actually had some pride in his job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pinched the bridge of my nose to attempt to stem the tension headache that was welling. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 234.0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked at the three men and calmly brought up the two thousand page safety manual and put it on the desk in front of me. I tapped its cover.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“If you had read the safety manual,” I said quietly then quickly flipped through the three personal files off to the side to ensure that my information was correct, “which according to your files you signed form 43-G-12 stating that you had read it, you would know the proper use of a prostitute.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Gelsing furled his brow for a moment then spoke.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Excuse me sir, but I don’t think that particular subject is covered in the manual.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sternly stared at Gelsing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without breaking eye contact I flipped the safety manual to the index and quickly glanced down at the page.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To verify what I had seen, or more so, what I had not seen, I used my pointer finger as I silently lip read the “P” section of the index.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I flipped to the “H”, then to the “W”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nowhere, it seemed, was the proper use and storage of a prostitute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was all very disturbing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">“Hurumph,” I said, locking eyes with Gelsing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It appears that you are correct that there is no section for prostitutes – obviously this is an oversight on my part and so you can’t be held responsible for something that I had not trained you for.” I made a quick note to rectify this issue before the week’s end. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I apologize for my lack of comprehensive coverage; it won’t happen again.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God damn these incident reports were a pain in the ass….</span></div>A.B. 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table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Doc! Doc!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Oh lord! Love a duck! Mr. Thomas! This is my back yard…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You gotta help me!” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…I told them, ‘Make sure it’s ten feet with barbed wire on top’, but did they listen? Nooooo…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I woke up this morning and I had an epiphany!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…See? B – B –Q…not examination table? Big difference…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I’ve got a disease!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“And I’m wearing Bermuda shorts, not a stethoscope…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I’ve been giving a lot of thought about this doc….”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…Does this even look like a tongue depressor? It’s called a spatula…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I’ve noticed that when anyone does anything despicable, they blame it on having a disease instead of themselves…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Mr. Thomas, can’t you just phone the clinic on Monday? It’s a lot easier to avoid you there…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(from the kitchen window) “Who are you talking to dear? Oh, it’s him…Don’t let him near the trees! The last time he was here the dogs ran around confused for a week …”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I obviously have some sort of disease that prevents me from having sex!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What prevents you from having sex is in your genes”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Hey, that’s low; besides it’s not the size… it’s the motion of the ocean…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Isn’t there a bar stool you should be sitting on?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“But if you say that celibacy is a disease, then I could get help for my condition!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Your only condition is that you have a foot fetish: the problem is that it’s your own foot that you put in your mouth…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Just what are you hinting at?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Celibacy is a lifestyle choice…not a disease.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“So is drinking, gambling, shooting up or going on line, but they’re considered diseases now! I went to the bar last night and (a loud sob) nothing! (Sharp intake of mucus back into nose) I really, really tried, doc, but nothing, nada, zippo!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“And you’re surprised? I still consider it a medical mystery that you’re not a virgin!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I did every smooth move I know…I drank heavily enough to make everything I said utterly brilliant…I called every chick, ‘babe’…I selected an Indigo Girls song for the jupebox…I even ordered a paralyzer and made pornographic bubble sculptures…I even combed my hair!...I…I…(snot and tears so heavy in the throat now)..I drank a wine spritzer…A wine spritzer… But nothing!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…Move to a small town, they said, it’s more peaceful relaxing, they said… listen, Mr. Thomas, have you ever considered moving to somewhere…Where women have very low standards? Say, oh, I don’t know, far far far away from me? I hear it’s pretty nice in Antarctica this time of year…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Wiping nose on arm, leaving a large shiny line to shine in the sunlight) “Give it to me straight, doc…is it terminal? Am I sentenced for the rest of my life dating the palm sisters?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Did you run out of coffee again, Mr. Thomas? Seriously, don’t buy the tins, buy the pallets…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I’m serious! I’ve got a disease!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Look, diseases are debilitating, what makes you think celibacy could even be considered a disease?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Well, at night, if I roll onto my stomach, I get an extreme pain in my groin…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Get a softer bed …”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I can’t look at a woman and think about nailing her”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“That’s called being a guy”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I wear sweat pants and pray for a good strong wind”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Again, it’s called being a guy…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I stand outside the plastic surgery clinics every day…” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“That’s a little creepy…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…in the back by the dumpster in hopes of seeing some skin…I mean nose<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>job, chin job….you can extrapolate cuz it’s got ‘job’ in it so it’s sorta close to hand job or blow job, right?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Ok, that’s a lot creepy, but that doesn’t make you sick…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I dreamt that I was in a threesome with Chloe and Kim Kardashian...by choice!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I-I-I moved the wrong way when I was doing Chloe and fell in, doc, Kim and I fell in…we couldn’t find my way out…spent the rest of my life foraging for scrap pieces of banana and egg plant that had made their way up and sleeping on a hammock strung between her fallopian tubes while Kim kept on asking if her hips made her ass look fat...”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…Let’s get a place in town, she said. The kids will be able to walk to school and we won’t have to worry about the weather, she said…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I wake in the morning and everything is stuck to me…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Nightly emissions are normal…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“But my cat’s really starting to get pissed about going into the shower every morning..”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Go into medicine, they said, you’ll love it, they said. I knew I should have become a lion tamer…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“But I try as hard as I can, but I still can’t stop being celibate…it can’t be my fault! If a person can embezzle fifty thousand dollars for their company and then blame it on a casino, there has to be something I can blame this on, damn it!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Listen, you evoke the fear that most women have that if they ever conceived with you, the fetus wouldn’t know up from down and they’d end up as a footnote in a medical text as the first orally presented birth…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">”</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“So what would be the treatment then?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Treatment? Caring…sensitivity…cooperating…thoughtfulness…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(From deep within the house) “You better say foreplay if you know what’s good for you! Or you’ll find celibacy is classified as infectious…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…FOREPLAY, you know, parts of your personality that makes you desirable to women…you have to fake sincerity …”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Does it come in pill form or can I just do a patch thingy?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Uh, it’s not something you can buy…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What about a surgical solution?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Hmmm, removal of your vocal chords may help me quite a bit….no, no, sorry; it’s just the way it is…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“So there’s no hope then…I’ve just have to put on a brave face and accept my fate…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You know, there’s a lot to be said for holistic medicine – maybe you should discuss this with the acupuncturist down the road…”</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-60250644626748203612015-08-06T21:00:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.498-07:00Nipple Napalm<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> 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table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">I have had time to think about this topic for awhile now as I have discovered that with the increasing amount of time I am chained to the desk doing paperwork that contrary to what many of acquaintance may opine that I have finally hit puberty as my pecs have begun increasing in girth and affluence corresponding along with the number of paper cut claims I have filed. The ballooning of my pecs, however, are not within the lines of the early 1970’s Mr. Olympia, but those of woman, after breastfeeding thirteen children, have the shape and tension of a used condom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They aren’t huge, I think a midsized training bra is not yet required, but it got me thinking that there is a definite sexual discrimination towards the man boob that many human rights groups have overlooked for far too long.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">They go by many a name: testosterone titties, gonad giblets, bob’s bazoombas, the boiezes girls, or the ever popular, man boobs. Why is it men will go ga ga over a pair of large breasts on a woman, no matter the frame, while women will tend to gag?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it not the oldest arguments from the Women’s Liberation movement of old that breasts are a biological fact and not merely eye candy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is it that a man is sexist if he yells at a woman “take it off! Take it off!” while a woman yelling at a man “put it on! Put it on!” is not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do women think it is an utter travesty of society when a woman decides to spend thousands on increasing her breast size yet applaud if a man decides to spend thousands on gym equipment to decrease the size of his breasts?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can today’s society with its pushing of formula even use the argument that breasts serve a biological function that is solely provided by a woman?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">The worst part of the development of man-boobs is that the next step is nipple napalm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once the breast cannot support the weight of the nipple it will begin to point downward as an omen that the rest of the body can now go straight to Hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how long I have until I will have to start hiking my pants up to my ribcage in order to hamper the dropping of the ball…er…balls to the point where to do nothing would lead to having to walk bow legged so that the scrotum has more swing room thereby reducing the number of bruises caused by whacking against the kneecaps.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">Nipple napalm, in fact, when I was thinking about it led me to draw this cartoon…okay, perhaps thinking is too strong of word for how most of the ideas for cartoons come about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is probably best to say as I was grossly overindulging on something that at my age I should know better than to, this struck me as funny…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Fx31tu6DxaxBnEtNV1Y9e5JUFK422nCL3juyrO4w6-8tqxrnh15H4hAxVOBdoLF7h_WfuerilpZ_04NGdPsWtrG1F5PFTmabmQmERvRv8tgPGXDNHxLkniRAv-A3Gf8ZBF_4hNq-lQdJ/s1600/NIPPLE+NAPALM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="472" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Fx31tu6DxaxBnEtNV1Y9e5JUFK422nCL3juyrO4w6-8tqxrnh15H4hAxVOBdoLF7h_WfuerilpZ_04NGdPsWtrG1F5PFTmabmQmERvRv8tgPGXDNHxLkniRAv-A3Gf8ZBF_4hNq-lQdJ/s640/NIPPLE+NAPALM.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US">…and oddly familiar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that the situation ever occurred to me, no, I’ve never gotten that drunk to make such a mistake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m merely subjugating that a person could make such a mistake…overtiredness, loud music, dimly lit tables with the occasional blindness caused by errant rays of retina burning lasers of rotating strobe lights….it is totally understandable if a person was to hear “Lauren” instead of “Lorne” and that later, once upon discovering said error having to weigh the amount of coordination it would take to fall forward with your mouth open and tongue out versus the eighteen “Alabama Slammer” muscle coordination required to put the clothes on that almost ended the removal of said clothing on several occasions from multiple head contusions and a definite lack of balance…or so I’ve heard.</span></div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-5875698128293312272015-08-06T20:56:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.496-07:00An office conversation<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> 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mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So our controller walks into my office. “Hey, have you seen my stapler...uh, what are you doing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where are your pants?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Oh, see, I’m working out the pragmatics of this scene that has two guys, a chick and a double headed dildo.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Okay...”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“See, if the one guy is on his knees like so that means that the dildo has to be at this angle, right?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I...guess...”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Which means the woman has to be in this position to take it up her, see?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Uh...”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“But the issue is that she has to hold the dildo like this and have her head turned like this in order to do the other guy with her mouth because he can’t be in front of her because the dildo and her fingers could potentially cause friction burn on his balls because he has to pretty much straddle the other guy which could also potentially cause cramping of his legs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, if he is standing beside the woman then the chick runs the risk of getting neck strain because of the degree of turn she has to have her mouth.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“How does this apply to work?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“It doesn’t.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Oh.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“But now, if the one guy is on his back then the angle of the dildo has to be like this, see, and the woman would have to be like this...”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You can keep the stapler, I’ll just order another one.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“The issue with this position is what would work better, her legs on the inside of his or his legs on the inside of hers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m thinking that either way, someone’s going to get a Charlie horse.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“And you felt that this was more important than your inventory details?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Well, I have to figure it out somehow.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“And this is the best way you could think of?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t there a better way?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What are you and the missus doing after work?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I can’t believe I’m saying this but I prefer it when you’re working on how to murder someone...”</span></div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-89915730470709640622015-08-03T12:01:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.518-07:00The Eatery<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdeU2Lh4INslD7G7HlTLfuiiPyG6Ym7KqwtF7z048pz1uIMkSqdL6r7qxPK4XnNNIaaOzBmuiuelMOyVHwG-t2RvayRMjmX_xmyMrOhm0oo93fYs9dd5kdWlp9P44u_kXumuew2k7f2_Li/s1600/eatery+001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdeU2Lh4INslD7G7HlTLfuiiPyG6Ym7KqwtF7z048pz1uIMkSqdL6r7qxPK4XnNNIaaOzBmuiuelMOyVHwG-t2RvayRMjmX_xmyMrOhm0oo93fYs9dd5kdWlp9P44u_kXumuew2k7f2_Li/s640/eatery+001.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-qRZ53qY2XweOsg-SQfXwuP5hyq7dJZ3XPqL68CvMuFGioyyW7Vt0fqk3XvD937cXbpswzgCTcOFMqGqezexerAGiEy8qvJG9bQshiBjP9EuuRWG8ztOqq1tpYHNMvG666Y6cWIp8_2Ke/s1600/eatery+002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-qRZ53qY2XweOsg-SQfXwuP5hyq7dJZ3XPqL68CvMuFGioyyW7Vt0fqk3XvD937cXbpswzgCTcOFMqGqezexerAGiEy8qvJG9bQshiBjP9EuuRWG8ztOqq1tpYHNMvG666Y6cWIp8_2Ke/s640/eatery+002.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxFO9mTlrVKaIEoK1gnKxCCef3pJEGsgr9T0M28uYmfqYoahaYgsE5lxpKT5A5aKUubIzoLVs8tj2nIEHqc-lty6AQm1M1IAE_UtBj9PJGOGoJzzQ7mlnKEPVSei9_f9bBTJhICppKYrSx/s1600/eatery+003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxFO9mTlrVKaIEoK1gnKxCCef3pJEGsgr9T0M28uYmfqYoahaYgsE5lxpKT5A5aKUubIzoLVs8tj2nIEHqc-lty6AQm1M1IAE_UtBj9PJGOGoJzzQ7mlnKEPVSei9_f9bBTJhICppKYrSx/s640/eatery+003.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr4UoJJQM8AXv6saXqQNMPrbBVFlqdMybH1DD_HTdu3KMvboe68cdt_h8wP8mO26DjLmZzvdy5WSoGhAHa-pBxctRSy9v4o46S55XeUWTBIPgOnRCjLMIkrxKK17XCKp0CxU1CPqPZkvD6/s1600/eatery+004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr4UoJJQM8AXv6saXqQNMPrbBVFlqdMybH1DD_HTdu3KMvboe68cdt_h8wP8mO26DjLmZzvdy5WSoGhAHa-pBxctRSy9v4o46S55XeUWTBIPgOnRCjLMIkrxKK17XCKp0CxU1CPqPZkvD6/s640/eatery+004.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqtEAgmuFXHIHevG6WiI57g36fUzlr86UdFsi9L2fjD3ZN-iOFxuGsc7OBBx2oiFF8CAru0oXvb2zWp0OEjuTXyyPOVoGPMMO2C0UjfU7RC-KkvNVUXXIuQCIDtOU_wt9kZPGtbhvJd9j7/s1600/eatery+005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqtEAgmuFXHIHevG6WiI57g36fUzlr86UdFsi9L2fjD3ZN-iOFxuGsc7OBBx2oiFF8CAru0oXvb2zWp0OEjuTXyyPOVoGPMMO2C0UjfU7RC-KkvNVUXXIuQCIDtOU_wt9kZPGtbhvJd9j7/s640/eatery+005.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIHmzp1UB_TtHVzfJ6vXWIFbqTPfgHxB_4ON5XUdm3-0aL3FPoG5ECYFhVOcljxn5IdyVqBr9bHRS04_XMC3GD64d-zqnIhZjBtq8_aynnf25I3cnrXDxgx6ZoP3f8qDLOc8KD8EqaRarm/s1600/eatery+006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIHmzp1UB_TtHVzfJ6vXWIFbqTPfgHxB_4ON5XUdm3-0aL3FPoG5ECYFhVOcljxn5IdyVqBr9bHRS04_XMC3GD64d-zqnIhZjBtq8_aynnf25I3cnrXDxgx6ZoP3f8qDLOc8KD8EqaRarm/s640/eatery+006.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br />A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-41460191685134049592015-08-03T11:58:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.484-07:00Alsways<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZLEZr-Jm9RPZ8xrHklfDtC01GcZtYB6H4U0v9XOSv1wDNQqtzwKKvxOuqy8tWUbJOVEUmD2LpaASjwScHVxnFr2QZHwvlaY38IGfoBvBteLsOSY0UNurETeppCzNL2mg8JGNBDjMwS7pX/s1600/alsway+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZLEZr-Jm9RPZ8xrHklfDtC01GcZtYB6H4U0v9XOSv1wDNQqtzwKKvxOuqy8tWUbJOVEUmD2LpaASjwScHVxnFr2QZHwvlaY38IGfoBvBteLsOSY0UNurETeppCzNL2mg8JGNBDjMwS7pX/s640/alsway+1.jpg" width="452" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigr5unxecY09k9d_FMYuxyC1OaJ70v7S3LyP6brdfJAQq4eVuI3U_8wuJlwtYJsmdzKICh2dNU8jpw1Gtw0YQ_IgyUSkwqe4qfcVXissi1_l905MNUUgLEKpDIgElPb5qcB6_oI0shDUkT/s1600/alsway+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigr5unxecY09k9d_FMYuxyC1OaJ70v7S3LyP6brdfJAQq4eVuI3U_8wuJlwtYJsmdzKICh2dNU8jpw1Gtw0YQ_IgyUSkwqe4qfcVXissi1_l905MNUUgLEKpDIgElPb5qcB6_oI0shDUkT/s640/alsway+2.jpg" width="472" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDwH92X3LAT4aG-19bCYrJ9W5mUdoPJgGZo87qs_O6-aP-PVkqXNgexErRPJnEygVPxJVmUqNeOcZXoHLORG9m2fElmElAK_N71kHiZjboX68kaBa-P3w8VPEHeoNtsyUXx4UXjHmTJ3g_/s1600/alsway+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDwH92X3LAT4aG-19bCYrJ9W5mUdoPJgGZo87qs_O6-aP-PVkqXNgexErRPJnEygVPxJVmUqNeOcZXoHLORG9m2fElmElAK_N71kHiZjboX68kaBa-P3w8VPEHeoNtsyUXx4UXjHmTJ3g_/s640/alsway+3.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi01Shw4Z7QdilFgP78uJp5yq7xuBm9tI_HNu_ehmnlil0stBTjw2FU7ASYazDNuYtg4auRmP65UmmdxgnkzVLcLyaTedW4ae71Lux3AtyVYDDk2IfJnKtnhZUgQKWq8diIuF-hCkKjyRoj/s1600/alsway+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi01Shw4Z7QdilFgP78uJp5yq7xuBm9tI_HNu_ehmnlil0stBTjw2FU7ASYazDNuYtg4auRmP65UmmdxgnkzVLcLyaTedW4ae71Lux3AtyVYDDk2IfJnKtnhZUgQKWq8diIuF-hCkKjyRoj/s640/alsway+4.jpg" width="430" /></a></div><br />A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-39729026092003110722015-08-03T11:57:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.481-07:00Miss Missy takes a walk<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Mkq4QWzSTRYb1Zw-aJ4YYlK2dzLTzFb68aKmgp6PSVbtvkXJPOQsoAAHXd6dH9R3EkGzUHvAMRb-T0NoI-8XI3ISqskKms2WlbCfGPvl-gFCS4iNJ3CZY-0RmkxO2L6pI5ejyYuCS8qK/s1600/missy+0+001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Mkq4QWzSTRYb1Zw-aJ4YYlK2dzLTzFb68aKmgp6PSVbtvkXJPOQsoAAHXd6dH9R3EkGzUHvAMRb-T0NoI-8XI3ISqskKms2WlbCfGPvl-gFCS4iNJ3CZY-0RmkxO2L6pI5ejyYuCS8qK/s640/missy+0+001.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3Xh9-UNDGPK-T64ri6BNcgn7uMXcKwQdQnPFcfK74SVwCnFF498VfhIlu-Q9XNQgJhjIdxzgSaJaHfN7Cs1zM4czjPDfQ5KePLPlzpDR21ryJ2TvteNh6KemsXSQVpuepRyYuAo2S1McH/s1600/missy+1+001.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3Xh9-UNDGPK-T64ri6BNcgn7uMXcKwQdQnPFcfK74SVwCnFF498VfhIlu-Q9XNQgJhjIdxzgSaJaHfN7Cs1zM4czjPDfQ5KePLPlzpDR21ryJ2TvteNh6KemsXSQVpuepRyYuAo2S1McH/s640/missy+1+001.jpg" width="464" /> </a><br /> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx61smTUnh0gxHPdYK26WcgGqHP5FxGJI5J9FNfd8lCM6og1yOc72cEw0geEiEu5LxmVy5dV1bb7bVB5-uVN7lYOwCKlPnzyRh8zQteSDxRrNVwxazCajIMcxRoajGlDPg5uHLKnFxcuWh/s1600/missy+2+001.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx61smTUnh0gxHPdYK26WcgGqHP5FxGJI5J9FNfd8lCM6og1yOc72cEw0geEiEu5LxmVy5dV1bb7bVB5-uVN7lYOwCKlPnzyRh8zQteSDxRrNVwxazCajIMcxRoajGlDPg5uHLKnFxcuWh/s640/missy+2+001.jpg" width="464" /> </a><br /> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmLugy-JtnLJbwh24EjGIeUUgxSW2swcPiIKmJ6k8CLn1jkO0TbTHboF_ulcsgCLE7PXz_DZz19IHjB_bRjVZVG6AHaG8WUqshgdMsOSXEDR8u2_T-YyuNanHIH2kHILenVnN4E-GMihg5/s1600/missy+3+001.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmLugy-JtnLJbwh24EjGIeUUgxSW2swcPiIKmJ6k8CLn1jkO0TbTHboF_ulcsgCLE7PXz_DZz19IHjB_bRjVZVG6AHaG8WUqshgdMsOSXEDR8u2_T-YyuNanHIH2kHILenVnN4E-GMihg5/s640/missy+3+001.jpg" width="464" /></a><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLr6wOggrK-RNE9UuAVX4KSh6NYii3gbnaA59mSeKUg2LeemEi707StrcJE67BwEhIWcYv6cHzohyphenhyphenTH-SIisKOgWp0iOT97syjeuW4WGlMBTPitxdPidgxSxC9zxp9RscLMJIwhu9cZ_d5/s1600/missy+4+001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLr6wOggrK-RNE9UuAVX4KSh6NYii3gbnaA59mSeKUg2LeemEi707StrcJE67BwEhIWcYv6cHzohyphenhyphenTH-SIisKOgWp0iOT97syjeuW4WGlMBTPitxdPidgxSxC9zxp9RscLMJIwhu9cZ_d5/s640/missy+4+001.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-8528280076317382015-08-03T11:12:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.513-07:00If I posted a personal ad<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> 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0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Do you have an urge to dig up dead celebrities to see how much plastic surgery they really had? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Do you like to run your fingers through thick wavy hair…even if it’s not necessarily on the top of a guy’s head?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is your idea of haute cuisine using smokies in your beanie weenies? Would you pay half for dinner but let the guy keep the toy? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Would you get mad if you were told that bikini waxes are too expensive when they can be done by me for free, thereby ruining your two piece for summer but having a kicking ass sled in the winter? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Do you long to run your fingers through thick wavy hair without minding that it’s not necessarily on the top of the head? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Have you ever run down the street wearing nothing but a strap-on screaming at the naked guy ahead of you, “I’ll be damned if you’re going to do that to me without me doing it to you first”? Are you a pessimist and expect to be thoroughly disappointed? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Have you lowered your standards because it’s become too expensive to run to the Dollar Store every two days for replacement batteries? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Do you think a centimeter is bigger than an inch? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Well, you are in luck, my 12 centimeters of luv was made for you! Me, I’m 46 which means that when you aren’t sucking on my balls they can be used to play a half decent game of hackey sack. I have a Coke bottle-like body...well, okay, a two liter bottle of Coke body…uh, if you put a Menthos into the Coke and then quickly put the lid back on before all the gas escapes type of body. I have a job…okay, a hand job…fine, I’m masturbating...happy? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I’m not, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing a god damn ad, now would I? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"> I’m a fantastic lover because with the lack of looks and personality, I have to be good at something, right? right? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">For the love of all that’s holy please say right…Do you like sitting quietly during moonlit nights? I forgot to pay my electric bill this month…Or long walks? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">The nearest liquor store is like six blocks away and I really want a case of beer…Do you like mourning sex aka “I can’t believe I did that with you”?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want something deep and meaningful I do have the unabridged version of the Oxford Dictionary for your reading pleasure.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No freaks, please.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"></span></div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-21641710222644400332015-08-02T12:00:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.463-07:00The Garden<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> 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table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal">It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, in the garden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not even a thirty second walk out the back door but I haven’t had the time. It’s one of life’s cruellest catch-22; you soldier forth to make a life for yourself then when you stop for the briefest of moments, you realize life has passed you by.<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Gardening is not just a hobby; it’s a metaphor about life, when you think about it. You have to prepare a garden, plan what you want, plant then tend to it by weeding it, watering and protecting it so that what you want in the end comes out with the richest of flavours and colour.</span> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a time that the shovel’s metal would be gingerly devoured by the dirt, turning over as smooth as mixing flour and sugar to make some buns to go with the greens that you just pulled out for supper. The garden made the yard fragrant with herbal aromas, I remember just sitting back on my knees and breathing in that air after weeding with closed eyes and a big smile on my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Just look at my garden now, the dirt is hard, cracked, with only the heartiest of weeds being able to withstand the uncare that it had been left so. I had asked them to take care of the garden when I went away, they said they would, but I guess like me it got lost in the day to day going-ons. Ten years is a long time to hope for someone to do anything, I suppose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even my Jeffery couldn’t keep his promises for ten years.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I remember in my younger days how much the neighbours were jealous of how well my garden looked; year after year I would win those “best of” prizes for whatever I planted in that soil. People would always ask me how I managed such a bounty; I would always smile and tell them that it was all in the fertilizer. That’s not a lie, that the trick to a good garden is the fertilizer, the choice you make for those seeds to rest in sets the stage for how well they will thrive when they poke themselves out of the dirt to reach for the sun. People would ask what kind of fertilizer I used, but I would never say, I would just wink and tell them it was my own personal recipe.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a lot of hard work that goes into putting the fertilizer in too, you just can’t put it on top – you lose a lot of the nutrients that the plants need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the same with when you dig up the garden and put the fertilizer in – if you put it too deep, it does nothing for the plants. Then you have to think about when you put the fertilizer in; if you put it in during the fall, it may lose all the nutrients before the spring depending on the kind of winter you have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you put the fertilizer in a few weeks past the time the ground is too unfrozen, then the nutrients are released too late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I discovered that if you place the fertilizer in when the first couple of inches are soft but the next couple of feet of ground is still frozen, it gives the fertilizer a chance to enrich the top soil a couple of weeks before planting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The condition of the fertilizer is important to; the fresher the better, the warmth for fresh fertilizer can draw those creatures that make the dirt that richer for the planting.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth is that I didn’t expect my garden to blossom so, goodness no! At first I didn’t have even a hope that anything would grow, considering the fertilizer I used. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it was a gift from God that made the garden grow and thrive as it did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was His way of rewarding me for passing the cruellest tests of my faith that he had arranged for me; the betrayal of my sweet Jeffery.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I came across the winning recipe for my fertilizer quite by accident; I remember that night as clear as a bell, that end of March night that I came home and found Jeffery acting like he was a woman, down on all fours, while that filthy queer was being the man. They stopped when they saw me standing there in the doorway, Jeffery getting up and saying sorry over and over again, but I knew he didn’t mean it – he had a smirk on his face that matched the one that filthy queer had on as he didn’t even have the decency to cover himself or the pride he had in his befoulment of my Jeffery with his hard standing still swaggering.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think Jeffery thought that I would just sit down and cry; following me into the kitchen while he was trying to get some pants on with his empty sorrys. My Jeffery, my man, huffing and moaning like that, it was disgusting to see; how could he do that to me? He acting like that, well that was like I had been sleeping with another woman – that queer had not only tainted my Jeffery, but me. Jeffery didn’t even scream when I pulled out our butcher knife and made him be quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The queer screamed and tried to run like a woman when I came for him though; he wasn’t such a big man when I got through with him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I must have stood therein the bedroom with that filthy creature for most of the night, until the redness had sloughed off the blade of the knife, mad as a wet hen without a inkling of what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went back to the kitchen, trying to remember my Jeffery when he was a man and what he’d do with this type of garbage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked out the window and as if God was showing me the way, the moonlight sparkled on the frost dirt crests of the garden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">When work phoned for Jeffery, I told him that he had run off with another woman. The receptionist asked if I was sure it was another woman quite politely. Even when his sisters and brothers rang up and I told them the same thing, there weren’t any questions afterward other than was I sure it was another woman. I guess I had been made the fool for a lot longer than I could have imagined.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal">I remember how good the potatoes from the garden had tasted that year, firm and large, where the queer had been put.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sweet peas that had fed on Jeffery didn’t fare so well, I suppose even in death Jeffery was a disappointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems funny that how terrible those queers are in life, in death they have can add such a richness to one’s goals in gardening.</div><div class="MsoNormal">There were some turns in the road, of course – there always is when you’re trying something new, but over the next three years I learned so much. Getting the fertilizer wasn’t hard. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose it was the only good thing that Jeffery really left me, his little black book that I had found hidden deep in his underwear drawer, with the names and numbers of queers that he knew and an address to the queer bar. I found that just two will do a garden nicely; just like they spread their foulness to my Jeffery, they seem to spread well out in a garden as they are doing the only job they’re good for.</div><div class="MsoNormal">It is crucial to remove all the apparel – roots cannot easily puncture the material and get into the meat of the fertilizer. A sledge hammer is handy to break the rib cage; nothing spoils the thoughts of a good potato salad than having potatoes ripped up by bone if they germinate in the chest cavity. The fresher you get the fertilizer in the ground, like when their still seeping their dirty lives away, the better the seeds seem to take. Maybe it’s because of the way the fertilizer warms the ground for a couple of hours that makes all the difference, I can’t be sure about that. I made the mistake of trying to fertilize the garden when it was too fresh and it just plain old got up and ran away.</div><div class="MsoNormal">I fibbed; my Jeffery did leave me another gift: a concrete mixer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That nasty prosecutor called my gardening murder at first, but after they didn’t find the used up fertilizer in my garden, they called it attempted manslaughter. None of those gentlemen had been gardeners, or they would have known that you take out all the rocks and hard stuff from the soil so it doesn’t harm the roots the next year. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought is was justice that when those queers use had been used up, that I could show them that they were still beneath me as I walked on the sidewalk path to the garden. Still, they took me away from my home.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How I’ve missed gardening so.</div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-17127033766945407622015-08-02T11:59:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.452-07:00Karoke with LB<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> 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mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Last night I was taken hostage (well, that’s how I see it; I originally said “no” but then LB whispered those six little words that turn a middle aged man’s knees to mush “I’m buying the first two rounds”. I replied, “you had me at the word buying…” and with cheeks aglow, my heart going pitter patter and said, “of course I’ll go to the bar with you.”), tortured (I did not realize that LB’s girlfriend Amber had a little surprise in store for me) and then forcibly ejected from my captor’s vehicle like an empty beer can at midnight on a country road (ok, I stumbled out of the car, fell into the garbage cans then while getting up, lost my balance and did a face plant straight into a mud puddle. The resulting intake of some sandy grit into my stomach which caused a chain reaction that most definitely involved something being forcibly ejected, I just shortened it, that’s all). I innocently go along with LB and Amber to Karoke, in Olds, with Amber playing cab driver. We get into the bar and we find a nice little table and true to his word, LB says he’s going up to get the first round. He comes back to the table and sets before me a beer…and a triple rye straight up. I should have noticed earlier the slight quiver in his voice, the not looking me straight into the eye that I was about to be stabbed in the back – that thought was confirmed when LB leaned over as Amber excused her from the table and said fighting back the tears caused by guilt (or it could have been from the smoke of the cigar he lit going into his eyes) and said, “I’m sorry, so sorry…but buddy boy, I want to float my boat tonight.” I didn’t know what was up, but I drank my rye quickly and then started on the beer when from behind me I caught a scent of something – not the sweet fragrance of stale beer, pickled eggs and pepperoni but something alien – something clean. Now I cant’ be sure if it was the onslaught of the alcohol hitting my stomach or the realization that I had been set up that caused me to feel it tighten…</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I turned around, much like the heroic figure refusing the blindfold in front of the firing squad. There stood Amber and a very pink clad woman. Amber sits in the chair between LB and I, while flamingo woman sits right beside me…not in the proper quarterly division of the table as outlined in the unwritten bar room rules of proper conduct, but moves her chair over so that she’s sitting beside me. “Hi! I’m Krystal with a ‘K’, and you’re….?”</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“…In need of a stronger drink,” I responded with a big smile while my eyes shot over to Amber, hopefully flashing “bitch” brightly as I could mentally do. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I’m stuck with a surprise blind date, at a bar I don’t know very well I lock eyes with LB, who quickly finishes his rye and beer and announces that round two is coming right up. But I’m a brave soul and control myself enough to make small talk.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’m not sure exactly why or how this occurred but an hour in Krystal with a K says, “oh no, I forgot to buy gum!” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“That’s just terrible,” Amber says sympathetically, “isn’t it Tony?” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To which I have no response as I’m having just a glorious time enjoying the encore taste treats of rye that my little burps are giving me. I’m not even sure when not buying gum became a matter of importance that it had to be announced. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Amber repeats, “Isn’t it, Tony?” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Huh?” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Krystal…” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“With a K!” I remind her. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I get a glare and then she continues with, “Needs gum.” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“That’s nice” I said, not really caring but trying to fake it.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“so she would like it now…” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Grrrl power!” I say as I stick my arm up in a fist to show my support of the equality of women.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“you’re going to offer to go get her some.” Amber must have had trouble breathing or something as it came out rather stuttery…</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I am?” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Yes you are” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now I’m perplexed, I don’t recall ever saying that I was affiliated with UPS. “Why?” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“To show off your gentlemanliness,” she said rather icily through her now gritted teeth.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Uh, that’s not even remotely what you called me last night,” I reminded her and then added, “besides the gas station is like two blocks away and it’s raining.” </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then she fought dirty – she used the golden bar rule – when someone buys, you are obligated to get them back – a beer appeared magically before me – I was trapped. I got up and asked LB if he was coming. He looked at me and exclaimed, “are you crazy, buddy? There’s only one head on this Newfie’s body that’s getting wet tonight and I ain’t speaking with it!”</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I go get the gum, come back and drop the gum in front of Krystal with a K.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Oh, my knight in shining armor!” she says with a smile.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: #F8FCFF; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I begin to open my mouth when Amber grabs my wrist and digs her fingernails into my wrist…hard. I just nod and ask if she’s doing any singing, which Krystal with a K says that she doesn’t.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That leaves it to LB and I to destroy the eardrums of the people in the bar. There’s a reason why LB and I usually sneak off to karoke alone with out Amber – she has this bad habit of picking songs for us to do – whether we know or like the songs has never been an issue with her – the only thing that we are required to do is to write our names and take it to the hostess. LB and I have resigned ourselves to having to do it otherwise we have to listen to a ten minute explanation on why Amber thinks we should do the song and if we refuse it’s “you really should do this song” for the rest of the night.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now lately I’ve been going through an initial phase, I don’t know why, it started off with the suggestion of shortening Anthony Byron to A.B. and since then, it’s been a new kick doing so – playing “Castlevania: Symphony of the Night” became CSN, “you’re a fucking idiot” became LB….</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 40.5pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I, with several ryes in the system that makes it oh so much fun to write legibly, decide that for the songs, I’d write Krystal’s Karoke Knight as the name…in initials. So forty or so minutes go by and then the hostess says into the microphone, “Our next song is ‘Burning love’ sang by KKK”…..</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-22419458039909143582015-08-02T11:58:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.466-07:00The Yer-a-peein’ Communion<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> 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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal">First off I’d like to say this about single motherhood: there is no doubt in my mind that this may be the hardest job on the face of the Earth and women who make the choice, or have no choice, to take on this task should be recognized for their efforts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having said this, I have discovered that there is a dark, dark side to this that I never considered before. I found this secret flaw when I took the oldest boy to Walmart and he asked to use the washroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being in the big city, I was voluntold that I was to provide myself as the official washroom escort in order for the boy to relieve himself in safety.</div><div class="MsoNormal">One of the most uncomfortable situations that a man could be in is to be standing in the men’s room without having any of his own personal business to attend to – followed closely by being a teenager and having to call the dentist to make an emergency house call to detach his daughter’s braces from the loose skin of your scrotum. Yet there I was, standing in the men’s room waiting for the boy to go to the bathroom. To heighten the uncomfortable feeling, the boy stood beside me against the wall instead of moving towards the empty urinal not more than ten feet away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was waiting for the stall he told me when I asked. </div><div class="MsoNormal">“Oh,” I said quietly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were silent as we listened to the loud grunts and gentle splooshing for a minute or two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I thought you said you had to whiz?”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Yep, I do,” was the response. I looked at the unoccupied urinal then to the boy.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Well....” I motioned towards the porcelain fixture. </div><div class="MsoNormal">“I need to sit down,” the boy answered in anticipation of my unasked question.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“To pee?”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Yep, to pee.”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Oh, I see.” We spent the remainder of the time in silence, including the time when the stall became free and through the hand washing afterwards. It was at this moment that I realized that up to this point he had never used a public washroom when we were out in public. His brothers had – and they stood up, the littlest one proved he had the ability to pee standing up in the summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The dog and he had a rivalry going for a certain spot in the yard which at one time had been a flower bed but through force had been taken as a communal digging spot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This area proved not to be big enough for the two of them, which resulted in the dog relieving himself in the dirt in front of the boy as to state, “This is mine, back off”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The boy’s response was to relieve himself over where the dog had gone to assert his claim. I didn’t tell his mother that night how he managed to make mud pies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had assumed that the perchance for the standing posture for urination was based on peer to peer modelling, past down from eldest to youngest.</div><div class="MsoNormal">I know that behavioural imprinting is the basis of childhood learning, especially in the toddler years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that many women have no choice but to take their male offspring into the ladies washroom with them I also realize that city raised kids don’t have the multitude of natural urinal opportunities of those raised in rural areas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet for some reason I kind of figured that it was a natural instinct to want to make the rainbows in the urinary arc that fascinated me as a child. To be a boy who needs to sit down – well, that just wasn’t nature’s way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would happen if I decided to take the boy camping? Would I be expected to carry along a portapotty in my back pack? How was I going to induct him into manhood in a few years if I had to get him to attempt to squat over an electric fence? How could I let him be denied the master practical joke of ruining his buddy’s windshield wipers then pee off the back of the bed of the truck when they’re traveling behind his ride as they are going to a bush party? What kind of person would I be if I ignored this situation?</div><div class="MsoNormal">After the boys went to bed that night I decided to bring up the stall issue with their mother, thinking surely that this dire emergency of manly cataclysmic proportions would have her shaking in agony over such a harrowing revelation, crying “oh what ever shall we do”...which she did say though the enunciation was not quite what I had envisioned it as. </div><div class="MsoNormal">To further suggest that she was not as alarmed at the staggering severity of the situation she shrugged her shoulders. I’d heard stories of vicious beasts tearing the flesh off of men; grizzly bears, tigers, hippos, wolves, ninja squirrels, but never in my heart had I dreamt that someone I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>knew could be that cruel to another human being. That belief was broken and stomped on when she said:</div><div class="MsoNormal">“So he prefers to sit down – big deal,” the boy’s mother chided.</div><div class="MsoNormal">I had to steady myself on the arm of the couch as my head reeled. Big deal? How could she abuse the term “big deal” by making it sound flippant?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was then I realized the truth of the situation – she was in shock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often when people go through a traumatic situation their minds often go into denial as a defensive technique, the poor thing, but I knew that the only way for her to overcome the trauma was to face it no matter how difficult it would be for her.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Listen it’s just plain dangerous for a man to be sittin’ to take a whiz,” I pushed.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“How?”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Say you’re walkin’ in the woods and suddenly out of the bushes jumps out a rabid muscrat – what do you do?”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“You walk around it?” She offered as an answer. I put my hands on my hips and let out a laugh.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Oh, you think just walkin’ around will solve this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HA! It’s a challenge, babe, A CHALLENGE – its man versus beast, a battle for survival, it’s...”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“A muskrat?” Why is it that women just don’t understand the laws of nature? I decided that this was not the time to enlighten her on behaviours of animals in the wild against those displayed in zoos and pressed on.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“It’s a man’s will over the will of the beast,” I continued, “And you can’t do that squatting over it – that just opens yourself for watching your testicles go bouncing down the path.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was quiet for a moment, letting the information sink through the layers of urban living that had hardened around her primitive survival instincts.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Why would anyone?...what would make a person...?” she stuttered,” Why would someone be as stupid as to squat over?....what purpose would it serve to..? Who would...?” </div><div class="MsoNormal">She looked harshly at me.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Oh yeah,” she answered her own question,”Sorry, forgot who I was talking to.”</div><div class="MsoNormal">The look in her eyes told me that she wasn’t being won over by my convincing argument of logic – I thought I better throw in an element of self esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Besides, it’s the way most male animals mark their territory – they lift, notice lift, not squat, so that the scent mark is up high enough for others to notice.”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“That explains the two hundred fine for defiling public property and the three hundred dog grooming bill we got last week....”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Listen, Meyers shouldn’t have let her damn dog lift its leg against the hydrant in front – that’s our hydrant, god damn it, she should have picked the mutt up and taken to do its business elsewhere!”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“She’s a ninety two year old woman with a black lab!”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Maybe she should considered getting a more manageable size of dog then,” I sniffed.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“What? A Chihuahua?” my partner snorted, “You’d drown the thing!”</div><div class="MsoNormal">I came to the conclusion that neither rationality nor citing human nature would swoon the boy’s mother over to my side of thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was time to use the time tested trick used by women: Emotional black mail.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Jumpin’ Jesus ona pogo stick! I tell ya it’s just not right! The boy’s gotta learn how to pee upright,” I argued, “It’s just....it doesn’t let a man...”</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Miss the toilet bowl,” his mother finished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then she took the dreaded Feminazi pose; folding her arms before her and lightly drumming her fingers on her forearms as she locked her hips with an slight angle to the right and forward, her eyebrows raised slightly that one could take as bemusement yet with a slight curl to her lip that suggested the complete opposite. This pose would scare the hardiest of men, making them fall to their knees and beg for mercy but I am an Alberta male – we’re as swift as a drunk blind one legged turtle going up hill in a raging blizzard. </div><div class="MsoNormal">“Being a man means that you roll the dice on your targeting skills every time,” I contended, “If you ain’t then you might as well be in a dress. He needs to be standin’ tall when he whizzes, proudly proclaiming, ‘I am man, hear me tinkle!’ Do you want your son to be wearing a dress? Do ya? What kind of guy would I be if I let the boy continue in this manner? Hell, you might as well put me in a dress and call me Vivian!”</div><div class="MsoNormal">There was a brief sidebar on where the hell I would pull the name “Vivian” out of my head and if that’s the first name that pops out of my mouth when I think of women in dresses that maybe I should find out where “Vivian” lives and borrow one of her dresses.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Look, if you don’t like it, then you do something about it,” she said with a challenging tone to her voice, then added, “Twit.”</div><div class="MsoNormal">I gave a harrumph and told her that I would just do that - I had a plan. She shot back that she was sure that I did then walked away, muttering something about a Mormon under her breath. She does that quite a bit; talking about Mormons after she’s had a discussion with me, which is strange since I am pretty sure she’s Catholic. Maybe she’s thinking of changing denominations or something.</div><div class="MsoNormal">It was a crisp wintry Saturday morning when the nine year old and I set out for a little drive in the country.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To avoid any chance of him developing a bladder larger than his usual kernel of corn one I hedged the odds by purchasing the both of us the extra large “Big Gulp”s from “7-11” before we headed out of town. As we drove and slurped down our drinks I pointed out vistas of interest; the coulee that my friend Terry bet me that I couldn’t jump across – which ended up with me acquiring the skill of doing multiple downhill cartwheels at mach two and the skill of jumping ten feet using only the muscles in my buttocks after the tumbling stopped directly atop a wasps nest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I showed him the grove of trees that Terry bet I couldn’t swing branch to branch through like “Tarzan” – which I proved I could until that one branch with the bee hive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I showed him the slough that Terry bet me that I couldn’t wade across without falling which resulted into my first major research project: ways to remove bloodsuckers less painfully than one by one by hand (it should also be noted that for years afterward I couldn’t get a hickey or a blowjob without panicking, whipping out my container of salt and sprinkling madly atop the person’s head while screaming like a little girl who’s gotten her pig tail caught in the wheels of her “Barbie” Corvette) and where I learned that being scared of getting a whoopin’ for coming home with wet clothes was a far more agreeable conclusion than I had just experienced. The boy told me that he hoped he had just as many good memories as I had when he grew up.</div><div class="MsoNormal">It took almost two hours but finally my plan for operation “Preteen dynamic erect posture linear urination elimination” paid off; the boy was squirming in his seat like bear with an itchy ass on sandstone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those extra turns of the wheels through the divots and ruts in the gravel road really did the trick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pulled the truck over and told him to do his business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He got out of the truck and closed the door as I fiddled with the radio looking for an acceptable station to listen to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you ever noticed that when one is driving, needing to pay attention to the road ahead, the radio always plays the tunes that demand your attention?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s when you are in park that they play the music that are so terrible that you’d rather slice off your ears than listen to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is my opinion that there are satellites up in space that track vehicular traffic and relay this information to the radio stations so they know what songs to play that turn a person’s brain to pliable mush – which is the obvious reason Nickelback has been successful; they’ve paid off those bloody radio programmers.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Having no luck on finding a station that was not currently playing Nickelback I looked out the passenger side window expecting to see the boy’s head bent down slightly while he drew his name in the side of the road’s snow berm. What I saw was the boy walking half way across the frozen field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I jumped out of the truck and ran to catch up to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I did catch him I said, between gasps of air, just where the hell did he think he was going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pointed to the farm house off in the distance, informing me of his intent to knock on the door and ask to use their washroom.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Jumpin’ Jesus ona pogo stick, boy!” I gurgled through the hyperventilation I was experiencing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“ Just whip the ol’ boy out and go!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His eyes widened and the flesh on his face turned pale.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Pee....out here?” He said horrified as he gestured around the field, “In the open?” I told him, of course, that was the benefits of being a guy, you didn’t have to worry about freezing your butt – sure if you spent a little too much time you could freeze your wiener a might but that was what the entire point of zippers were, to provide some shelter when you’re letting it all hang out. The boy wasn’t convinced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It was at this juncture that I felt my own bladder knocking on the inner walls of my urethra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was going to be a teaching experience!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing is better than a concrete example for young minds to attach themselves to the learnin’! I told him to watch me and learn. The first part of whizzin’ in the woods was strategy I told him; I licked my finger and put it up, gauging which way the wind was blowing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Satisfied with the direction I would have to be facing to be downwind, I moved onto the second part of whizzin’ in the woods: Politeness, I told him, even out in the middle of nowhere, was paramount. I took a few steps away, turned around and undid my zipper and mentally put a forest fire in the snow that it was my duty to put out to save the desperate townspeople from. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The customary backside cannon shot sounded the coming of the flood and I readied my targeting computer to show the boy my whizzing prow ness, developed from years of droppin’ my pants in the wilderness.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now I don’t know exactly the velocity that the human body releases gas from itself and the approximate time it takes to circle the Earth, or maybe Mother Nature decided that she wasn’t particularly interested in water sports that particular winter morning, whichever one it was, it had astoundingly bad timing. Just as the townsfolk were preparing to cheer their saviour on, the wind went from east to west to west to east. Though I managed to turn the fire hose off post-haste, the “Big Gulp” had turned the manageable ounces into a tsunami that the breakwaters could not totally hold back. The light blue of my jeans turned to a dark blue. Damn, double damn. This was not going as well as I had thought.</div><div class="MsoNormal">I turned ‘round while zipping up, praying that the moistness didn’t freeze my fingers to the metal like a tongue on a metal pole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not knowing what else to do, I gave a sniff of finality, pronouncing to the boy, “And that there is how its done.” I told him it was his turn, expecting for him to make the polite two foot walk and turn around.</div><div class="MsoNormal">He stood there for a second or two looking at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He then closed his eyes tightly, bit into his bottom lip and gripped his hands into fists with such force that his entire body began to shake. There came the sound of two small firecrackers going off behind him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He opened his eyes and smiled...as the front of his jeans turned just a might darker bit by bit until they took on the appearance of waist to knee chaps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He gave his hips a tiny wiggle.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“And I didn’t even have to get my wiener cold,” he proudly said.</div><div class="MsoNormal">I stood in that field looking at the boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cleared my throat, gave a sniff.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Come on, boy, we’ve got a busy day ahead of us,” I told him as I started walking back to the truck. He caught up, matching my pace.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“What we gotta do?” he asked.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“We’ve got a couple of dresses to buy”.....</div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3388056052439031822.post-38324199716819264502015-08-02T11:57:00.000-07:002016-05-19T12:19:18.476-07:00Under the Saffron Sky<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> 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table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <br /><div class="MsoNormal">A tinge of saffron scented the après dawn sky though Jackie, her sunken hazel eyes rolled back, half collapsed against the wall with the tin foil covering the small pane of glass save for the thin slit one inch by four inch long that had only a moment before been created by her ring dragging across it, was far too busy choking on her own vomit to notice it. An empty hypodermic hung lazily from the vein in her skeletal forearm just below the two other pin sized pricks upon that vein that still were oozing blood and heroin from the two other injections she had awarded to herself five minutes apart from the last squeeze of the syringe just before feeling the back of her head bounce roughly into the cracked plaster wall of the barren save for a stained single mattress in the opposite corner <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>second storey bedroom she had hazily walked into to escape the noise from the activity downstairs in the living room.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie’s chest ached, feeling constricted yet bloated, threatening to explode from the pores of her skin if the thick saline liquid that seeped from them wavered from thickly coating Jackie’s body from the bottoms of her feet to her scalp. Her dirty blonde hair had been thick and long once, but as the years went on some of the follicles had deserted her, just like her loving ‘family’ had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her chest was being crushed, Jackie reasoned but the cause of the agonizing discomfort was not the toxins she had brought into her lungs and blood system were not the cause – it was just the physical manifestation of what those who claimed to love her had tried to do only to turn their backs on Jackie when they had failed. They didn’t understand that if they had truly loved her then she wouldn’t have needed to buy her reality all these years; they didn’t understand that she needed to be unfettered, to be one with her own identity.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Her parents and siblings had given up on her years before when she had needed them the most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What had been so wrong with celebrating the end of her six month program by showing that the stuff didn’t own her, but she owned them? Why didn’t they see that she could handle a little chemical pick-me-up, enjoy herself and then continue on the business of being a mother? When the government took her children for the fourth time, her oldest daughter’s faith in Jackie did not lessen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her daughter loved her and knew that Jackie would jump through the hoops to reunite the six of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A year and a half ago the children were rounded up once more by the government suits for a fifth time, but Jackie found herself staring at an ocean of molten lava without any hoops.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At first Jackie was devastated, being forced to sign the rights to her children away, and then she was angry. How dare those people do this to her! So what if she would disappear for a few days so that she could enjoy herself, she made sure someone was checking in on the children and she would always come back – once the money was gone. The anger within her raged on for weeks until that magical moment one afternoon slumped over one of the benches in the park as the vein in her arm throbbed from the tiny tear a careless withdrawal of the syringe had left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was all about time. Those suits couldn’t and wouldn’t keep her real family from her, once they turned eighteen; the binds that forced them idle were broken. One by one she would gather them together with her as they became adults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie attempted to smile but she hadn’t enough control on her facial muscles to do it fully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be fifteen years until we would be whole again, she thought, but we will be whole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the meantime, she could bask in her chemical escape.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie knew how to contact her eldest daughter when she needed to, both had a profile on “Facebook”, though Jackie had not felt it necessary to do so since the final taking of her brood until six months ago. Jackie took the time to go to the library and messaged her eldest with fantastic news: Jackie was getting married! Jackie had expected a message back of congratulations and excitement of being a real whole family in the future but the response broke Jackie’s heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her eldest, the one who always said she loved Jackie the “mostest”, wrote back, “So what? You want me to be happy for you? Are you preggers? Is there another one for you to abandon?” Her daughter, just like her parents and siblings had two years before, blocked her out of her life. At least she had finally found Dyson.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Dyson loved her unconditionally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s why she had married him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie never would have believed it if anyone had told her that a man twenty two years her senior would be her husband, her soul mate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had been fate that had brought them together on that night at the roadside truck stop where they met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dyson had been driving an overnight express freighter, stopping to look for some relief, Jackie was looking to exchange an outlet for that relief for manufactured mind, body and soul accelerations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She popped, he grunted and instead of kicking her out of the back of his cab afterward, he took her into the diner for a meal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not just a plate of fries, but a burger and fries with a side of gravy! Dyson knew how to treat a lady.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dyson knew Jackie couldn’t be happy with monogamy; she just was too giving of a person to be held down by that archaic notion, and never said a word against her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would simply give her a kiss on her forehead when she would come home and give him a fistful of money that her spreading of affection had received in turn. Dyson loved Jackie because of who she was and he knew how lucky of a man he was to be with her.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie had always been thin, her A-cup giving her the lithe look of an athlete without having to put effort into working out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the corner of her eye she caught the way men and women stared at her since she was a teenager, how much they desired to be with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At forty she could tell that she hadn’t lost that allure, in fact, her desirous image was deeper etched into her body as the little fat deposits she had once had dissipated leaving only her shapely bones to curve and mold the skin around them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie had to stifle a giggle every now and then as she noticed the lust induced leers of those who she passed on the street: she may look unapproachable but if a mere askance were to be given, entrance to her Eden would have been the reward. The pleasure that those men and women sought could be reached by allowing her to indulge in what gave her pleasure, and she was not strict: heroin, cocaine, meth, crack, T-4’s, so little to ask for the greatness of what could be received.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While Jackie did not concede that the key to what she thought was love could be fashioned from modeling clay, others were aware.</div><div class="MsoNormal">The Conner’s, Dale and Marcus, were small fish in a big pond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were astute enough to run their operation by ‘invitation only’ in order not to ruffle the feathers of the larger operations that surrounded them in the lower income area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every morning as they counted their night’s take they also counted their blessings that running a crack house wasn’t freely talked about and that while they did not have any patched affiliations, they had been graced by the physical presence to match the stereotype of those who were. They ran their operation smart; no coming and going of clients, arousing suspicions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People came in and didn’t leave until their money had run out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The two storey townhouse was set up for extended visits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each of the three bedrooms upstairs had a mattress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Conner’s had taken the time to tack queen size bed sheets down in the basement for twelve more guests to enjoy their ride without presenting a threat of blabbing the location of this fine heroin hotel in some thick hazed conversation with the wrong people.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie knocked on the Conner’s door at four in the morning, Marcus coldly admitted her inside but quickly warmed up when she pulled out the majority of the welfare cheque she had cashed that afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marcus and Dale had known Jackie for several years; they had partied with her at a nightclub, and then privately afterwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was not only a good customer but the men appreciated that for the low price of a tiny rock of crack, she would allow them to do almost anything to her without complaint. It had been a busy night – the couple of days after welfare paid out its commitments always were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had overbooked, but fortunately the customers were in a social mood, the majority of them sitting on the four ratty looking couches in the living room listening to the static laced radio rather than getting a fix and passing out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being a host for so long was wearing on the Conners, especially Marcus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other women that were in the room lived on the streets for the majority of the time, unless they had money, so Marcus’s urges were reined in for the dirty smell that emanated from these women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie though, she smelled nice he noticed as he took her money and handed her three syringes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Marcus leered at Jackie, pulling out a small clear glass pipe from his pocket and asking her if she wanted to have a little party before she partied like she liked to party for her first couple of hits – upstairs alone. Jackie’s eyes sparkled as he put a tiny white pebble into the pipe’s bowl and handed it to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie’s sweats dropped to the floor and Marcus picked the thin shell of a woman up, placing her ass on the chipped oak coffee table. He unbuttoned his own jeans and let them drop to the floor; the Conner Heroin Hotel didn’t stand on stuffy ceremony when it came to the stagnant social rules on what should be done in front of the guests and what should not. Marcus spat into his hand, rubbing the slime upon the tip of his penis, he didn’t have the time to make her wet to avoid road rash, so he would make do with get her wet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie held a lighter to the top of the bowl and began puffing to heat the white deposit.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie moaned lustfully as the smoke rasped along her lung’s lining, inviting the dopaminergic excitements gracefully to tour all the attractions along the blood vessel express.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marcus took Jackie’s sounds as encouragement for more and began to thrust into her roughly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie winced from the pelvic pain as Marcus’s belt buckle imprinted itself repeatedly into her bony calf but though she thought she ought to push him off, her instinct chastised her; anger him and he would take back his gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead she leaned back, turning her head to the side even further and watched intensely as the smoke churled downward from the glass bowl into the glass shaft that led to its end between her two dry, torn lips. She smiled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So pretty, so pretty.</div><div class="MsoNormal">“You like it like this, don’t you, bitch?” Marcus snorted as his meaty hands dug deeper into the little flesh Jackie had on her waist. Jackie gave no response; that’s what Marcus liked about her; she knew that good fucking bitches opened up the right set of lips.</div><div class="MsoNormal">The last of the smoke curled along Jackie’s upper throat just as Marcus’s ejaculate curled along the insides of her. When the glass once again was clear did she then turn her head to face her ‘lover’, leaning towards him placing her arms around his neck and kissed the man in front of her while her eyes stayed fix on the glass pipe she held in her hand.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You were wonderful, baby,” Jackie slurred.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Marcus, his stress reduced, noticed that Jackie didn’t smell as nice as she had a few minutes before and responded by knocking her arms off his shoulders, concentrating on doing up his jeans over the woman whose arms hung limply down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie hadn’t moved when he was buckling up his belt, still smiling goofily so he pried his pipe from her grip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told her to have a good time and went on to see if the other guests in the living room needed to be topped off.</div><div class="MsoNormal">It was a few minutes before Jackie realized that she was still sitting bare assed on the coffee table, with Marcus’s semen seeping from her onto the wood. It hurt a little bit as she slid off to retrieve her sweat pants from the redness of where the man’s belt buckle had dug into her shallow skin but a quick look at the coffee table to the three stages of heaven minimalized her concern of it. Once her sweats were hanging loosely over her waist once more, she grabbed her prizes and headed loftily up the narrow stairs to one of the bedrooms so that her induction into her preferred world would not be disturbed.</div><div class="MsoNormal">The first bedroom she walked into was occupied, two men were on the mattress engaged in carnal relations, used syringes laid on the faded wood linoleum that covered the entire upstairs beside them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They didn’t notice as she watched them for a few moments, debating on whether to join them or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The weight in her hands then brought her back from her thoughts to what was really important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She turned from the men and walked down to the second bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was empty.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie sat down on the mattress for the first injection. She waited for what must have been an eternity for the euphoria to envelope her but it never came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The second vial of fluid shot into her arm gave her a slight twinge of the Promised Land but it was still not strong enough for what Jackie was seeking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Groggily, Jackie stood up with her final hit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wondered if that maybe is she walked around first, getting her heart rate up if that would engage the heroin gods enough to visit her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She attempted weak jumping jacks but with Marcus’s voice booming up from the first floor of “settle the fuck down up there”, that idea was quickly squashed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so reassuringly dark in the room, Jackie thought but it was missing some colour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The light blue paint originally in the room had faded, and the tin foil that blocked out the harsh sun and menacing moonlight was too bland for the nirvana that she had found so often in these bedrooms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next time, Jackie vowed, she would bring some paints and jazz up that tinfoil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her shoulder felt cool resting on that tinfoil compared to the relative mugginess that she felt over the rest of her body in the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie felt at peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was time to surf the cosmic wave of bliss; she brought the third syringe up to her arm.</div><div class="MsoNormal">She wanted to shriek from the heat as a mixture of ejaculate and urine began to cascade along the raw and welted right calf as her bladder had exhausted the will to keep its contents within but another wave of bile crashed into the wall of stomach contents clotting her throat. The last dispersal of heroin reached her mind, massaging it deaf to the last warning of danger that her body was screaming. Hoarseness gave way to silence. The sweat, beading on Jackie’s skin, pled with the wall to allow gravity to have its way with her as so many others had. Fragments of plaster drew upon the woman’s arm as the wall obliged. Jackie no more, slid breast to waist into the acidic dandelion pool beside the wall that blocked a tinge of saffron scenting the après dawn sky.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie’s hopes and dreams as a child were simple: to be a princess and everyone to love her unconditionally. Through her adult life, these hopes and dreams were the same – which would seem, to me, the entire problem. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Human nature spurs us to believe that royal blood creeps within us; no one really aspires to be the stable boy or handmaiden, yet many of us can be content with being just that. We go along our everyday lives working to better ourselves, most often mistaking financial betterment for spiritual, but neither is mutually exclusive depending on an individual’s goals are. You can colour addictions in a myriad of ways: feelings of isolation, discontentment, rewarding yourself, or stress – what it comes down to is utter laziness. Temporary escapism is a necessary component for a healthy psyche, but when the focus of a person’s life is escapism it then becomes an ugly path for a person to stumble and fall down upon.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Addictions used to be something a family would hide from the outside world, giving neighbours and relatives excuses for that person’s absences or behaviours: “oh, she’s really tired”, “he would have liked to be here but he has a cold and we thought it be best that nobody got it”, or “sorry about this, she has a bout of the stomach flu – so how much will it cost to clean your rug?” Hidden away, sent away or outright cast out, it was the Devil’s mark upon them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today, though, the media likes to stereotype addicts as those sleeping in dumpsters, committing penny ante crimes for their next fix, and while there are those like that, addicts have become part of the mainstream of society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Television has de-sensitized addiction through celebrity “endorsement” of the behaviours associated. Shows like “Dr. Drew’s Sober House” and the other inane show prior that the good doctor had on about the ‘rehabilitation process’ exploit to entertain or the different ‘magazines’ that splash on their covers who’s in rehab and for what – it makes addiction an additional line on their resumes for their publists to use to tickle a producer’s memory; hell, Lindsay Lohan would be in the ‘where are they now’ category if it was not for her partying and self destructive behaviour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Society has followed this trend in accepting addiction as a disease, taking away ownership of the behaviour from the person and placing it upon something that cannot be held responsible. Diseases are what they are: foreign invaders in our system that may be or may not be able to be combated successfully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Addictions are not foreign, but familiar invaders of our own creation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Success or failure rests entirely upon the will of the person, no one else or anything can make an addict discontinue their behaviour if they do not wish to do so.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Jackie died because she was Cleopatra rather than Joan d’Arc. The majority of us eventually are slain by the society we live in, there are too few who can look in the mirror and say that they have accomplished everything they have set out to do, but addicts do not face their accusers, they hovel in<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>some corner decrying the injustice of it all. Addicts need support but it shouldn’t be in the form of hand-outs. I could have written Jackie’s story with an entirely different ending<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>if our culture had not so embraced the snake-oil salesmen as our gurus.</div>A.B. Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17466710161222087614noreply@blogger.com0