Monday, August 3, 2015

If I posted a personal ad

  I got to thinking about how many people put personal ads up, which while they give me hours of enjoyment reading some of them( a sad statement of me if I do say so myself) I thought about how I would write one if I had the notion:

Ladies, do you enjoy throwing a ball down a steep hill and then telling a half blind three legged dog to fetch?
Do you have an urge to dig up dead celebrities to see how much plastic surgery they really had?
Do you like to run your fingers through thick wavy hair…even if it’s not necessarily on the top of a guy’s head?
 Is your idea of haute cuisine using smokies in your beanie weenies? Would you pay half for dinner but let the guy keep the toy?
Would you get mad if you were told that bikini waxes are too expensive when they can be done by me for free, thereby ruining your two piece for summer but having a kicking ass sled in the winter?
Do you long to run your fingers through thick wavy hair without minding that it’s not necessarily on the top of the head?
Have you ever run down the street wearing nothing but a strap-on screaming at the naked guy ahead of you, “I’ll be damned if you’re going to do that to me without me doing it to you first”?  Are you a pessimist and expect to be thoroughly disappointed?
Have you lowered your standards because it’s become too expensive to run to the Dollar Store every two days for replacement batteries?
Do you think a centimeter is bigger than an inch?

Well, you are in luck, my 12 centimeters of luv was made for you!  Me, I’m 46 which means that when you aren’t sucking on my balls they can be used to play a half decent game of hackey sack.  I have a Coke bottle-like body...well, okay, a two liter bottle of Coke body…uh, if you put a Menthos into the Coke and then quickly put the lid back on before all the gas escapes type of body. I have a job…okay, a hand job…fine, I’m masturbating...happy? 
I’m not, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing a god damn ad, now would I?
 I’m a fantastic lover because with the lack of looks and personality, I have to be good at something, right? right? 
For the love of all that’s holy please say right…Do you like sitting quietly during moonlit nights?  I forgot to pay my electric bill this month…Or long walks? 
The nearest liquor store is like six blocks away and I really want a case of beer…Do you like mourning sex aka “I can’t believe I did that with you”?
 If you want something deep and meaningful I do have the unabridged version of the Oxford Dictionary for your reading pleasure.
 No freaks, please.

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