Sunday, August 2, 2015

Rigor Mortis

It would figure that death’s number one is sex but there is an upside for those who before they died had erectile dysfunction by biting the big one – rigor mortis!  That’s right, the stiffening of the muscles could be reputation’s salvation and it’s 100%  all natural – no pills, no artificial devices needing to be attached! You may have been a dud when you were alive but with your death you can change that all around and be the stud your significant other’s friends thought about while checking for their number in the pubic pages!  This could be you...

“Wow, what a way to go.  Who would think that drinking a coffee while texting going 130 around an ess curb could lead to such a tragedy...and what are the odds that he’d hit the tree that those rare man eating squirrels were in? The poor bastard...”

“Bah, listen buddy, I was his wife – I haven’t gotten laid for over three years because the only thing that gave him a rise was an increase in property taxes”

“Bastard! He got off lucky, boy if I would got a hold of him....”

But hold on – that doesn’t have to be you ; all you need is to send a single payment to your friendly neighbourhood mortician and you’ll have all your friends wasting their money on Viagra when they could have simply died just like you.

You’re probably saying to yourself, “But, geez, Bob, I don’t think I could get my wife/girlfriend/hooker to hop in the coffin with me for one last tumble.”

A century ago you probably couldn’t have gotten your wife/girlfriend/that mousy looking vixen who always sits in the corner sipping her tea and pretending to read her book, ignoring that your fly is open and you aren’t wearing underwear, pretending that she can’t see you gesturing to her to come on over and both your hands are occupied with that extra large double double and cream cheese bagel, but you know better, damn rights, you know exactly what she wants...ahem...but that was a century ago – today, because of all our modern conveniences such as microwaves, cellphones, instant texts, internet, we don’t value patience, we value instant gratification and quite frankly, if you have been suffering from penile dysfunction for an extended, make that unextended, period of time, whatever premise of patience has long since disappated!   Sure it may take your will stating that for her to get anything that she’d be required to take 14 B-52 shots and wear a blindfold but you’ll have died happy knowing that in the end your loved one will get the loving that you couldn’t give them when you were alive.
Now, you’re probably saying, “Gee, Bob, slipping it to her for her final memory of me just sounds hunky dory, but won’t she miss the emotional connection that an animate lover would bring?” That’s a good question, but don’t you worry – I’ve slept with women who hadn’t had sex for a month and once they got on the bronco and started busting, they’re off into their own little world! Why once, while one was on the upstroke, I moved off the bed, went for a coffee, played some pool and watched “Deliverance” before sliding back underneath her – the only comment I got from her afterward was, “Damn, Bob, you have stamina!” And you know what’s really amazing about this 100% all natural cure for penile dysfunction? You can last up to twelve hours – and you can’t tell me that your wife/girlfriend/Lithuanian albino one legged acrobat won’t be telling all her friends about the amount of times her floodgates opened up!

Remember guys, which way do you want your loved ones to remember you? “Well, we got ourselves another stiff” or “Oooh, god Marge, he was so stiff!” Rigor mortis – your lover’s new best friend....

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