Thursday, July 30, 2015

Alberta Redneck Recipe

In this here world today, there are far too many politically correct, overly sensitive, metrosexual, Lexus driving foo foo heads running about.  I’m not sure what or how it happened – after all, I was raised to believe that the only thing a man should be in touch with are the breasts of  some chick who has given up on Mr. Right and lowered her standards enough to look at me and go, “what the hell”.  So looking around at the guys walking the streets today, and not being able to get the proper papers filled out to get the tickets to go a varmint huntin’, and trembling in fear for the masculine well being of the future generations, and of course, purely humanitarian reasons (philanthropy is second nature to me apparently) I came up with this recipe:
L'homme Viril a la Alberta
It’s important for the maximum best results of this recipe to use the brand name products listed.  The generic brands make the final product to leave a bad taste in ones mouth.  Examples of using the less superior brands are as with the “Eastern Family” brand in the recipe:  The results were Stephen Dion and Gilles Duceppe.
1          egg                                                    
1 cup    Red Green’s® Fashion Sense (unrefined)
4 tsp     Ralph Klein™ Liquid Fertilizer (preferably harvest before 2003)
5 drops Helen Keller® red food colouring
1 tsp     Bull’s Eiy!™ Fecal paste
1 cup   W.C. Field’s® Liquid flavor enhancer
1 cup    Canadian Tire® premium used motor oil (preferably collected at least 30,000 km
                over recommended change mileage)
2 cups   Howard Stern’s™ Milled road kill (simmered on the hot highway for at least 6
4 tsp      Donald Trump’s® Rapid Rise Ego
¼ cup    David Spade’s® Frosted Flakes
Essence of Larry the Cable Guy® Vinaigrette spray
1.  Take one egg ( for this recipe, freshly made farm eggs work better than the eggs bought in the city; the city ones seem to have a bitter taste to them) and drop it from a height of at least 5 meters onto a filthy floor.  Scoop up entire egg and place in large bowl.  Go to the bar.
2.  Return home from bar around three in the morning and add liquid fertilizer to bowl.  Mix well, frantically gyrate mixture well while telling it that “you’ve been waiting for this your entire life”.  Pass out.
3.  Pick yourself off the floor several hours later.  Add in milled road kill with egg mixture.  This will ensure that the finished product will have the ability to properly empathize with members of the opposite sex.
Woman:  Honey, I need your help…
Product:  Can it wait until after the game?
Woman:  My friend, Brenda, is feeling a little down, lonely…
Product:  If I were a chick with no tits, I’d be lonely too…
Woman:  I was thinking you could introduce her to one of your friends…
Product:  How the hell would I build her up?  Go up to the guys and ask if they ever wondered about what it would be like to date a little boy with a vagina?  Well, do I have the person for you!
Woman:  I was just thinking…
Product:  Why don’t you ask your brother – he’s still in denial, isn’t he?
4.  Stir in Flakes.  This will ensure the product has the proper social skills required to retort to factual statements accordingly.
Woman:  Did you realize that you just missed the exit ramp?
Product:  It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Woman:  But..
Product:  Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Woman:  what?  Are you alright?
Product:  Fuck you, leave this to me.
Woman:  What did I do?  I think you owe me an apology…
Product:  Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
5.  Pour in the flavor enhancer.  This will give the product the discretionary tastes in beverages; the ability to realize that you don’t drink anything that is more that two syllables long and cannot be heard clearly by a waitress when incoherently slurred.
Good:  R – Uhm             Bad:  Hein –e – ken
6. Mix in fashion sense thoroughly. 
Important hint – make sure it is all through the mixture or the product will end up staring at its steel toed boots for hours upon hours trying to decide which colour would enhance and coordinate well with its “I Am Canadian” beer stained t shirt.
7.  Add ego; knead well into the mixture and form into a humanoid shape.
    Note:  Please pay close attention to the placement of the mixture’s “hands”.  They should be firmly placed over the genital area as it will be guiding principle for all ethical and moral decisions.
Let rise until at least 4 times the reasonable amount.
8.  Add food colouring to area between chest and head.  This tinge will give the product the wisdom to be blunt and straight to the pointedness required.
Woman:  What a lovely carpet!  Is it cherry?
Product:  It’s red.
Woman:  I know, but is it candy apple?
Product:  It’s red.
Woman:  Crimson?
Product:  Red.
Woman:  Wine?
Product:  Not really, but you are starting to get a little nasal though…
Woman:  Why don’t we see if it matches blood why don’t we?
9.  Open small hole in cranial area and stuff with fecal paste.
Warning – using more than the suggested amount will cause the product to think Jack Layton isn’t a closet corporate wanna be who’s out to make big bucks by legislating laws that will force the Canadian public into buying heavily over priced products made by his organic eco-nut buddies rather than what the public wants and is willing to pay for currently.
10.  Spray liberally with the essence on the mixture.  This will enable it to fully appreciate the olfactory/auditory ruminations of normal bodily functions.
Boy howdy!  Sounded like a damn cannon!  Almost knocked me off the chair!  Hey Mavis, c’mere for a sec…what do you figure – hamburger left out in the desert or more like a skunk stuck to the exhaust manifold on a cross country drive?
11.  Place in oven at 125˚
12.  Baste the product with the oil.  This will give the product a shiny, sleek look and act as a semi porous skin that will filter and decode anything a member of the opposite sex will say.
Woman:  Good morning, May I take your order?
Proper decoding:  I want you to comment on how my nipples show through my uniform, you big sexy hunk o’ love you.
Woman:  Honey, take out the garbage, please.
Proper decoding:  Take me now you stud muffin.
13.  Remove from oven when half baked; failure to do so will result in a soft, mushy interior with a bland homo-gene-ized taste.  No one will ever want a piece and the product will end up in the basement for forty years playing video games with a joystick instead of just playing with its joystick.
Bon appetit!

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