Thursday, July 30, 2015

Earth Day

“So let’s go through this again to se if I understand this right,” the officer said as he scratched his head and looked at me with a confused and tired expression on his face.
“For crying out loud, officer – this is the fourth time!” I complained.
The confusion left his face and a look of irritation replaced it. “Listen, this isn’t your run of the mill cat-up-a-tree sort of thing…”
I sighed. I realized that, but it had been three hours since the first officer had arrived and I was still in the same position I had been even though there were now twenty police, ambulance and fire people standing around me. I heard more voices coming from the path to the clearing I was in.
“Ok guys, let’s set up right here – make sure you get your focus on the tree,” said a familiar voice. I turned my head and saw the speaker of the voice and immediately thought….fuck. The voice belonged to a local reporter for the Channel 43 morning news; the media had been alerted to the situation, my situation, fuck fuck fuck. With the reporter, his name was Mark something-or-other was a sound guy and his camera woman, who looked my way with an arched eyebrow and a slight grin on her face. They set up just a few meters from me…fuck fuck fuck.
The sound man gave the reporter his mike and ear piece, said something in his cell phone, nodded and looked over at the reporter. “Ready? On four. Four, three, two,” he raised one finger up and then pointed it at the reporter.
“Good morning Linda! I’m Mark Mydyk here at the Woodsy Woods that was slated for clearing this morning but a situation has arisen that has several emergency crews out here instead of bulldozers. Details are sketchy at the moment but it may have something to do with the tensions between the developers of the land and the U.W.W.W.N.B.T.B.A.T.A.O.A. group that’s been protesting the plans to replace the park with the David Suzuki Institute – a research facility for which the primary purpose will be to investigate why wildlife is disappearing in this area.” The reporter put his hand up to his ear.
“What’s that Linda? You want to know what the initials stand U.W.W.W.N.B.T.B.A.T.A.O.A stand for?” He flipped through the little notebook he had in his hand.
“Here it is ‘Unshaven Women Who Want Nature’s Bushes To Be as Thick As Ours Are’…” The reporter looked into the camera as his cheeks began to turn red. He adjusted his earpiece again.
“No, I’m not kidding, Linda, that’s the group’s name…no, I’m not taking a shot at you because you turned me down for a drink…listen, if I wanted to pet something that wrinkled I’d get myself a pug…Oh, right, I’ll see if I can call over someone to talk to me….Officer, can I have a word? So what exactly is the situation?” The officer who had asked me to tell my story to him a fourth time turned from me and strolled over to the reporter.
“Well, Mr. Mydyk, we received a call about seven this morning from a concerned citizen that there seemed to be a man performing an indecent act on a tree,” the officer reported leaning into the reporter’s mike.
Mark Mydyk saw his dreams of becoming a reporter for the evening news go crashing into the ground. The colour left his face and for several moments remained silent until he quietly asked, “Come again?”
The officer snorted then said in a chuckle, “I’m not sure, haven’t asked him about that yet. But as I was saying we sent a patrol car out to investigate and found that the man had some how gotten his genitals stuck into the trunk of the tree behind us here.”
Mark Mydyk’s future flashed before him; he saw a life of interviewing old ladies and quilting contests. He wanted to pack up now before it got any worse but the camera was still rolling so he started to ask, “How did he…”
“That’s unclear at this time – there’s no gnarl in the trunk, in fact, there doesn’t seem to be any kind of hole to speak of but he’s definitely has his penis stuck in it,” the officer replied. “He claims it’s some sort of magical tree that tricked him into making love to it and then left him like that.”
Mark thought maybe if he left now he could get his old weather watch job back. The camera still rolled on. “Why?”
“He works for the developer of the land – Pokin, Suman, Alfurrow and Goode and claims he was set up by two women with one green eye and one blue eye and a sprite as revenge for attempting to destroy this property.”
Mark looked at the officer. With a tear starting to well in his left eye he sniffed back the lament of what could have been a great journalistic career and softly said, “Ok….Back to you Linda.” The soundman signaled they were off-air and Mark Mydyk broke down and started to cry. The officer went over to the rescue team off on the other side of me where they would look over at me, giggle and then continue on talking.
“Fucking sprite-bitch,” I half seethed, half bemoaned. It was hard to believe that a scant twenty four hours before I didn’t even believe that creatures such as her even existed; they were just the creations of sleep deprived writers and mentally challenged quacks. My mind rolled back to the office the day before where my current plight’s base was laid.
I was sitting at my desk looking at por….political opinion when the intercom sparked to life and I heard my boss, Mr. Pokin’s gravelly voice bark, “Stanley, come to the meeting room ASAP.” The red light went out immediately – he wasn’t waiting for a response which meant I had to get my ass over there straight away.
I arrived at the meeting room and walked in and saw that all the partners were there along with a woman who I didn’t know but considering I had seen the agenda for the meeting yesterday I knew who she represented. She was quite a beauty – considering she was one of those granola crunching eco-whack jobs. She had long flowing blonde hair, straight until halfway down her back and then it had a shy outward curl to it. She had a little meat on her bones for an eco-nut, but from the size of her breasts that were a good couple of half-cantaloupes, she needed it to counter the weight or she’d have to crawl everywhere. She didn’t wear make-up, and even from the few feet away that I was I could smell a slight aroma of muskeg emanating from her. The strangest thing about her was her eyes – one was a misty blue and the other a greenish hue that reminded me of the algae choked pond that I used to skinny dip in back when I was a kid.
“Good morning Mr. Pokin, Mr. Suman, Alfurrow, Mr. Goode,” I said through a nervous smile, “And good morning Ms…?”
The woman didn’t smile back but answered, “Minerva Cumsthick.”
“Please sit and join us, Stanley,” Mr. Alfurrow gruffly said. I was always amazed how he could make an order sound so pleasant. I took a seat.
Mr. Pokin looked at me and filled me in. “Ms. Cumsthick represents a group concerned with the development of the Woodsy Woods project.” I gave a non-committed grunt.
“And I was trying to convince your bosses that the project was unnecessary and destruction for no reason,” Ms. Cumsthick said haughtily.
“Well, Ms. Cumsthick,” Mr. Goode said through his mouth flanked by baggy red cheeks, “You see, right now, the woods aren’t being utilized to their maximum potential, the institute is going to do…amazing things for the environment in the long run but in the short term there must be sacrifices…uhm right now the property is just sitting there doing nothing for the the community, and well, we…we…” Cumsthick glared at the sweaty bald plate addressing her.
I could see that Mr. Goode was starting to fumble his words so I finished of his explanation with, “Besides we’re replacing it with something that people will find useful.” The glare now came to rest on me.
Mr. Suman cleared his throat breaking the about-to-strike-cobra-like leer that Ms. Cumsthick had centered on me. “Ms. Cumsthick has offered us a deal to be proactive in avoiding any messy…problems at the ground breaking tomorrow,” he said.
“Oh?” I remarked, “What’s the deal?”
It was Mr. Alfurrow’s turn to speak, “This lovely young lady has offered not to protest tomorrow…as long as a representative of the company agrees to spend the night in the woods tonight.”
“To see that the woods are worth protecting,” Ms. Cumsthick said avidly and added, “One night and I’m sure that this company would change its mind and take up the cause to protect this land and its natural bounty.” Before I could express any opinion, Mr. Pokin spoke.
“And that’s precisely why I sent for you, Stanley,” he said. “You’re our man for this.”
There was no smile on Pokin’s face, he was dead serious. I was floored – the closest I had come to any kind of camping was when I got a table too close to the fountain display at “Le Chat’s Cul”. Even as a child I found the outdoors something to avoid; that’s why I had studied engineering so I could tear down the wilds and put up things that didn’t have the dirt and bugs but safe concrete and windows. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out, a smile stretched along Ms. Cumsthick’s face; she had seen the initial horror in my face.
“Of course, yes sir,” I said – what else could I do?
An hour before dusk I trudged to the clearing that Ms. Cumsthick had given the directions to as the spot that would protect me most from the dangers of the outdoors. I thought that it would be in the middle of some stinking slough, but it turned out as I hit the marker she had described not to bad. I looked around; the clearing was about forty feet in diameter, only fifteen minutes from the gravel parking lot and thickly clotted with trees in various stages of life – sprigs, bloom and dying. I was also surprised to see a woman with long curly brunette hair sitting on a large rock around a small fire that she was tending to. I had an almost eerie feeling as I put my hand against a tree that was bent over just inside the clearing. I could have sworn I heard the tree tremble slightly and giggle.I coughed to let her know that I was there.
“Good evening, Mr. Polestiff,” the woman said as she came up to me and gave my hand a shake. I had to blink, just like Ms. Cumsthick this woman had one blue eye while the other was green. Maybe, I thought to myself, these women shared their coloured contact lenses or maybe it was something else – my guttered mind immediately thought that this woman and Ms. Cumsthick were lesbian lovers who were in a rush this morning and just didn’t pay attention to what they were doing in the bathroom while they were sponge-bathing each other while they were getting dressed. What could I say? I had watched quite a few political opinions that afternoon.
“My name is Abby Slurpsfeign,” the woman said and explained that she’d be the one making sure that I was well taken care of for the night.
I asked where I was expected to sleep, if I could, I muttered under my breath, and she pointed to a scattering of leaves that were on the one side of the fire. She also told me that my bedding would double as my toilet paper if the need be. She showed me the branches that were dry enough to burn that had been piled neatly off to the side. She went into the darkness and came back with another rock and put it beside the one she had been sitting on. She sat back down and offered me the rock to sit on.
As she explained the position of the group on why this area was so important to them I couldn’t help but notice that Ms. Slurpsfeign smelt similar to Ms. Cumsthick; muskeggy. I almost had the urge if they were trying to be ecologically friendly and using swamp water to douche, but looking at the bulges on her arms I decided that she could not only easily tear me a new asshole, she could probably snap a tree in half to shove up it.
The sun set without me noticing as Abby droned on about the advantages of retaining this lot of land in its natural state. I had hoped for some sort of entertainment to keep my mind off the bugs and the sounds that bugs made in the night but this wasn’t anywhere close to what I could have in my most distant of dreams considered entertainment. Hours passed in as she prattled on with her lecture – the last time I glanced at my watch is was two in the morning. There was a sound behind me. I turned and saw a figure standing just outside of the glowing firelight.
“Ah, you decided to come over, after all,” Abby said to the figure. “Don’t be shy now, come on over.”
The figure came into the light and stood beside Abby: she was a vision of pure earthen goddess fantasy; she wore only leaves to cover her breasts and a thickly strewn large set of leaves to cover her shapely thighs. Her skin was almost a thick chocolaty brown in hue that had the texture of maybe a twenty-five year old, with eyes matching the luster of her skin. I was amazed at her hair; it was short and dark brown with a greenish tinge to the tips that hung loosely just over her eye brows. Her nose was longish and almost roman like in nature and her lips were thick and looked like plush toss pillows.
“This is Gwendollyn,” Abby said then introduced me to the young woman. I stood up and offered my rock to her, she declined so I sat back down again. The night progressed with Gwendollyn standing silently as Abby continued on her nature appreciation crash course. I looked at the time: it was four in the morning before Abby actually stopped talking. Every once in a while when she had stopped for a second in her oration I had tried to mention that we were trying to utilize the land for something that people could use, but I sensed that she wasn’t listening. She stood up.
Abby picked up her knapsack and gave the woman a nod and a wink to me. I watched as she walked across the clearing to the path and disappeared into the trees. I wished that the sun was still up – I could have sworn that my giggling tree was no longer where it had been when I had walked in. This experience must have been playing on my brain more than I had thought.
There was a few moments of unsettling quietness as I looked at my feet not knowing what I was supposed to say to the woman wearing the leaves – what does one say to someone who was obviously mentally unstable? I looked up and saw that Gwendollyn had moved closer to me and was staring at me with those deep dark brown eyes. She reached over, grabbed my hand, put it on her chest and smiled.
“You are bee,” Gwendollyn said, her voice almost soft as the chirp of a robin early in the morning just before a rock is thrown at it. She paused then added as if she figured I didn’t understand. “I am flower.” I stood there, my hand on her chest, half my palm on the leaf that covered her left breast, not knowing what the woman was expecting. In my mind I raced through the different scenarios: a set up for a bogus rape charge, a set up for an improper sexual gesture charge or even she was just really really horny. I decided that I would opt for the last option and pray for the best.
I slowly peeled the leaf covering her left breast off. I didn’t realize the leaves were connected and the other leaf covering her right breast slipped off as well, freeing her small perked breasts to bounce a little. I noticed that the tops of her nipples stuck out, I wondered if it was because of my boldness or the coolness of the night. I stood there holding the leaf bikini top with my hand still stretched out, unmoving, not knowing what the woman’s reaction would be. She gave me a smile and a wink, turned so her back was to me but made no movement to leave or hide herself any more than that.
My mouth was dry; I had to do something. I dropped the leaves and stepped behind her. Wordlessly, I kissed her and reached my hands around to touch her breasts. She snuggled close into my body and gave a slight moan as I started massaging her nipples. I couldn’t help but notice that her mouth reminded me of one of the toothpick that you get at restaurants – you know, the ones that start out all minty and then take on a woody taste as they rest in your mouth. Her lips offered no resistance and wrapped around my tongue and pulled me inside even farther.
Gwendollyn turned around without breaking the kiss and slid off my jacket, unbuttoned my shirt and discarded onto the mossy ground. She ran her hands along my bare chest; I felt the tingle of her fingernails leaving their mark in my skin. Her tongue slid deep into my mouth, it felt not moist and fleshy but like when my grandmother would give me the ladle to lick off the icing when she was making a cake. Her hand started to rub my back with its staffing nails while her other hand explored the waistband of my pants. The button of my suit pants unsnapped and her hand slid into my shorts and she gripped my hardness gingerly.
She took her hand away and pushed herself hard against me, I could feel the wetness of her soaking through my pants and warming my hard cock. She wiggled her hips, moving my shaft in the limited room it had in its fabriced cage. I couldn’t stop myself from uttering a groan and then a grunt as my cock flexed itself trying to push itself out of my pants and into her.
I pushed her gently to the ground. I moved down between her legs and began kissing her inner thighs, letting my tongue taste her soft flesh. I couldn’t get the aroma of pine out of my head. I ran my tongue up and around the bottom of her stomach. Her belly button had been pierced, so I let my lips cover it and let my tongue tickle it before I moved to the other thigh. I let my tongue swirl around, each time widening my circle until I could flick her moist pussy lips wit the edge of my tongue.
Her back arched and her hands were trembling as she put them on my head and gently guided my lips towards her own swollen vaginal folds. I stuck my tongue into her, tasting her sweetness – which reminded me of grandma’s pancake with maple syrup breakfasts so long ago. I wasn’t only turned on but now I thought that maybe next winter about vacationing in Quebec during the maple season and trying my hand at tasting the raw maple sap – but then it came to mind that they put taps into the trees and the thought of me sucking on a tap sticking out of tree might be a little gay. Her hips spasmed, drawing my attention back fully to her tasty spread.
I moved up a little and noticed that she had even her clitoral hood pierced. I nibbled around the piercing then moved my tongue in and around the base of her engorged clit. The stud felt smooth against the top of my lip as I let the hood trace my lip as my tongue curled itself along its base. I took the swollen nub into my mouth and nibbled. The woman let out a large long moan and with an almost in-human like strength pulled my head from her clit and onto the ground.
I was stunned – had I gone too far? Maybe I had done something wrong? I wasn’t sure but as I sat on my ass on the ground she soothed my worries when Gwendollyn spoke with a high lilting tone, “You have tasted my well, now I want to taste your root.” I didn’t know what root she was talking about but I was really hoping she meant my cock which was achingly hard with pre-cum already seeping from it. She confirmed my hope when she gripped my pants and underwear at the same time and pulled them off my legs. The cool breeze shocked my hardened shaft, making it throb even more as the air took away the moisture that had covered my cock tip into the night.
Gwendollyn licked the tip of my quivering cock then slowly began kiss and flick in wider circles until her mouth had taken my tip into the warmth of her mouth. She rolled her tongue along the sides and then she moved her lips until she had almost half my cock inside her mouth. I moaned when her hand reached and started to caress my balls lightly. I had thought that she wasn’t going to take anymore of my hard shaft deeper into her; she slid her lips down even further until I could feel the warmth of her breath coming from her nose on the base of my cock. I gave out a groan of pleasure as the tip of my cock rubbed against her hot slick mouth.
My hand pulled her hair back and I watched as she began pumping up and down my cock with her lips, her saliva glistened erotically in the moon light. She pulled back until she just had the tip of my cock in her mouth then swallowed it back down. I groaned even louder as my cock started to pulsate, wanting to jettison my hot juices into her. She knew I was close and popped her mouth off and started stroking my cock quickly with her hand while her other hand sped up her massaging of my sac. The combination of the warmth of her hands and the coolness of the air hit me like a ton of tits – I closed my eyes and cum exploded from my cock over her shoulder and onto her back.
Before the second explosion could arrive she stuck my cock back into her mouth and swallowed the rest of my load as it thickly creamed the inside of her mouth. As the last drops abated she withdrew her had and cleaned all my cum off my cock with her tongue. I pushed some of her loose hair behind her ear and looked into her eyes. “Damn you’re good,” I said. I was dreading what I figured would come next: her looking back at me and asking if that was worth saving the trees for, which I would have to answer truthfully – no. But she didn’t let go of her hold on my semi-hard cock. Instead she got up onto her knees and positioned herself on my lap, putting her legs around me and pushing the tip of my cock against her plush pussy lips.
Her pussy was tight; I could feel the strain of her muscles taking me in as I managed to get my already fully hardening cock into her. I started to move up and down inside of her as she braced herself with her arms on my legs. Her nails punctured my skin and I stopped, but she moved her hips to take more of me into her and without a word being said I gave a thrust and rammed the entire length of my hardness into her. She gasped, shuddered and moaned. I could feel rivulets of warmth running down my sac, her body trembled with orgasm from my single thrust.
“Oh yes,” Gwendollyn said without opening her eyes which she had closed soon as my cock had started making its way into her sexual moistness. “Mount me, please,” she said in pants that reminded me of the call of a goose.
I started moving my hips back and forth, pumping my cock into her and her talon-like grip released itself from my legs and she moved her hands and upper body forward until she was straddling me with her back as erect as I was. She began to shift her hips forward to meet my thrusts, her breasts bouncing up and down as she began to become more forceful with her own pelvic thrusts to match mine. I brought my face up and started licking her puffed nipples, which made her moan even louder. I took a nibble on her left breast, her eyes flew wide open and she stuck her chest out to force her breast even deeper into my mouth.
I pulled out and rolled her over onto her back, getting on my knees and grabbing her hips to push her hard into me. I slowly began to fuck her, keeping my rhythm with the dancing flames of the fire. I let the thick fluidy warmth of her vagina infiltrate every cell of my cock, relishing in the tightness. I groaned and found myself weaving side to side as if I was in a swoon.
“Ravage my hole harder!” Gwendollyn screamed suddenly, her hips beginning to buck quicker as her pants became deeper, “Push my fertilizer back into me…ravish me.” I started pumping in and out as fast as I could, my balls slapping against her thighs each time her flesh stopped the base of my cock from invading her any farther. I began to pull out fully and then ram my cock back in, taking one of her nipples into my mouth with each movement of my hips. She arched her back and began to meet my thrusts with powerful ones of her own. Her moans turned to screams as her nails broke the skin of my back and dragged themselves long the entire length of my back – it wasn’t painful for me, but drove my lust even deeper into my soul.
“Seed me! Seed me!” She screamed; I could feel her orgasm squirting out with each pulling out of my cock. My own moans were almost as loud as her screams as she flipped me onto my back and took control of the fucking. She began bouncing up and down violently, each downward thrust slapping her folds harshly against my inner thighs and balls –the pain only spurned my excitement to where I was almost delirious with the amount of build up that was collecting to be released into her. With a few more thrusts of my own I grabbed onto her hips and let my cum spew into her pussy, her warmth feeding my loaded barrel of lust round after round of liquid relief up into her very depths.
Her pussy muscles clamped hard around my pulsating cock as she released another wave of her orgasm over me. She bent down and shoved her tongue into my moth and thrashed it around my mouth with the same urgency as I felt her juices flowing out around my cock and into the ground below. It was surreal – it was almost like as the grass had grown longer everywhere her juices had touched the ground.
Gwendollyn pulled her lips from mine and bent her back straight, running her hands along my sweat covered chest gingerly. She didn’t get off of me but sat there until my cock had softened enough that it slipped out on its own accord.
I cleared my throat. “Wow,” I said. I meant to say something more meaningful but it pretty much summed up the entire experience. She looked down at me and smiled.
“Again?” Gwendollyn asked.
Again? I told her to let me have a breather – I was a corporate guy who sat on his ass all day; physical fatigue wasn’t one of the hazards of my job. She frowned slightly but then smiled.
Without a word she got up and walked over to a lone standing tree near where I could have sworn my giggling tree was and leaned her head against it and stuck out her ass, spreading her legs so that I could see the beads of lust slipping down her plushness and down her leg. I watched as the dark patch with the hint of her sweet pinkness protruding weaved back and forth within the shadows. My cock tensed and reanimated itself.
I walked over, and knelt behind her. Gwendollyntensed as I kissed the small of her back and ran my tongue down one ass cheek and the up the other. I then began to kiss her ass crack slowly all the way to her anus. She gave out a moan, looked over her shoulder down at me and simply said, “Seed me there.”
I gave her a nod and ran my tongue around her asshole, flicking its tightness, moistening it with my saliva. I used my hands to spread her ass cheeks apart so that I had more of a clear area to play with. I let my tongue stroll along her asshole’s outer edges, flicking my tongue every once in a while into her very center. Her body seemed to relax and when my tongue penetrated her ass hole she purred out, “Yes!”
I stood up, my cock had regained its hardness and rubbed my cock tip in the saliva that I had thickly left on her ass hole in preparation to enter her.
“Slow,” Gwendollyn stated as I started to push. I could feel her ass stretching to take the head of my cock. She gasped when I felt the tension against my tip release and I entered her tight ass hole but she said nothing. I slowly let my cock slide into her, the tightness of her sphincter a sharp contrast to the velvety texture afterwards sent sparks of excitement throughout my nervous system.. A moment later I felt my balls lightly come in contact with her ass cheeks. I let my rest within her for a moment and I started to pull out when she grabbed me by my waist hard and whispered in her sing-song like voice, “wait.”
I could feel her moving her hips around tentatively, loosing her ass on her own power rather than by me. Her hand moved from my waist to the tree in front of her. “Fuck me,” she cooed like a pigeon on a statue.
I started thrusting in and out of her ass, every pump my balls slapped noisily between her supple ass cheeks. I reached one hand down and began rubbing and rolling her clit around my thumb and index finger as I continued to pump my cock into her. The woman moaned with pleasure and began to move her hips to push me in further.
I was feeling pretty good; I wanted to make sure that this…whatever she was, was content, after all I didn’t see how getting the best lay of my life would make me stop from tearing this land up. She moaned as I changed my thrusts from slamming into her as hard as I could to just slowly enjoying the feel of her tight flesh on mine. I played with her sensitive clit as her fingers slid into her pussy and she pumped herself in rhythm with mine.
The sky had started to get lighter – soon it was going to be dawn and then the bulldozers would be here. I took my hand from her clit and grabbed her waists and began tight power thrusts into her ass, I could feel the pressure building. She let her own orgasm gush from her, splashing my balls as I slapped hard into her. Her warmth triggered my own and I clutched onto her tight and felt the jettison of cum spew deep into her ass. She screamed and as I lifted my head to enjoy the sensation of my own fluid leaving my shaft, flowing into her and around me to drip into her own juices on my thighs. I noticed that the sun had started to peek through the trees in front of us. I wanted to pull out but I felt her hand on my waist. She turned around and shook her head slowly. I understood; she loved the feel of my cock in her as much as I loved the feel of her around my cock – I could wait.
Then I felt a tightening around my semi hardness, then on the front of my thighs and a scratching against my scrotum. I looked down and saw her back had turned from a soft tanned look to a decidedly darker hue. Her feet had disappeared into the ground and when I looked back up she had spread her arms and they were growing and branches with leaves were sprouting from them. In a panic I tried to pull my cock out but I couldn’t move; bark had replaced her skin and any thing remotely human about her was all but gone. I stood there, my cock immobilized in a tree as the sun’s first rays sparkled off the moisture on my pubic hair, once slick, almost clear, now a yellow hue and thick like syrup as it oozed around the top of my shaft and down my balls.
The only thing that came to mind was fuck. I stood there for an hour until I saw a jogger and waved at her. She stopped looked at me but never came close and disappeared before I could explain the situation to her. Twenty minutes later the officer arrived. And now here I was four hours later with my cock still buried into a tree….

“Ok Mr. Polestiff,” the officer said as he came over taking me out of the recollection of the night’s events, “We have a plan.” I let out a sigh of relief and asked what the plan was.
The officer smiled and said, “We’re going to cut through your penis to detach you from the tree.”
“C-cut it off?” I asked weakly, I could feel the colour draining from my face. “Can’t you just cut the tree?”
The officer looked at me for a moment and pointed to the area my dick was in the tree, close enough to accurately point out what he was referring to but far enough not to touch any of my flesh. “See those shiny pieces?” I nodded and told him that the sprite’s snatch was pierced, so what? “Well,” the officer cleared his throat, “While I’m sure that you believe that it’s just a piercing, what we know from past experiences is that eco-terrorists put in metal spikes into trees that when cut into turn into slivers that can slice into the person cutting the tree. We just can’t risk the lives of our volunteer fire department like that.”
“But…” I started to argue but the words couldn’t come out of my mouth. The officer patted my shoulder lightly and assured me that soon as they had cut through, the emergency crews would take me to the hospital.” The officer motioned for one of the emergency paramedics over to us, a woman wearing shades with red hair but as she neared I could smell a slightly muskeggy smell. The officer explained to her that I was a little leery of the plan. She nodded and walked up to me.
“Now there’s nothing to worry about Mr. Polestiff,” she said. Her voice was familiar but I couldn’t place it until she pulled her shades down to the end of her nose and looked at me - with one blue and one green eye. She gave me a wink and put her shades back up. “After all, I’m sure the doctors will replace it with something that people will find useful.”

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