Thursday, July 30, 2015

The Survival of the Albertasexual

It was a scary prospect the provincial election on Monday; it was touted as the death throes of the Conservative party, and the off shoot of the majority of folks who vote Tory, The Albertasexuals.  Fortunately, all the political scientists sitting in their little offices were wrong and the Conservatives captured 72 out of 83 seats in the legislature –effectively wiping out any opposition and ensuring the survival of a shrinking genus of man: The Albetasexual. 
Yes yesterday morning as I was having my coffee in the motel’s cafĂ© I could see the odd health-conscious, liberal, politically correct metrosexual high falutin’ miseducated foo foo heads driving their little pissant hybrid cars along the highway with tears in their eyes wondering how it happened.  If they would have stopped in for a real coffee instead blearily heading towards the city where they get to idle in their little butt plugs waiting in line for over priced coffee with a franchised name emblazoned on their eco-friendly cups that mysteriously end up on the side of the road anyway I could have told them why it happened:  We Albertasexuals ain’t that easy to kill but at the same time we aren’t that prevalent any longer.   
Some of you are going, “Whoa, whoa, whoa – what pray tell is an Albertasexual?”  Now there’s an easy answer and then there’s a long winded prattle that leaves one wondering what the question was and exactly what did one do that was so bad to merit such a rambling explanation.
The short of it is a socio-political stance that is just to the left of a hick but far right of a liberalistic person who dwells in Alberta though it does not necessarily mean they were born here, just indoctrinated.
The long of it is that its an attitude and an unawareness of the world of touchy-feely political correctness that is dwindling in the light of globalized thinking.   Metrosexuals like to talk and talk, whereas Albertasexuals act then talk.  For instance, getting into an argument at the bar:  Two metrosexuals will talk about what they’ll do to the other and when it’s all over, they’re still pissed off each other.  The Albertasexual way is you beat the piss out of the each other and then the loser buys the winner a beer and get on with telling really bad jokes.   It’s actually pretty hard to define, so perhaps a few examples of what an Albertasexual is like is in order:
A couple of years ago, the first digital cable boxes were seeping into our little town.  So one night a few us were sitting at the bar when a couple of young’uns came in.  We played some pool against them and then after drinking their little girly drinks that had more than two syllables in them, they said they were on their way.  Being the inquisitive sort, Gene asked the young lads what could call them home so early in the evening. 
“Oh, I have to go fiddle that damn cable box – fucking thing’s touchy unless you play with it just right to get it going proper,” was the answer that was given.
Well, Ol’ Roy got up and smashed the pool cue into the guy’s face and then slammed the other guy in the stomach with the end of the stick. 
“What the hell?” They screamed.
Ol’ Roy Cable, his face red and still gripping tightly onto the pool cue, responded through gritted teeth, “So you’re the sons of a bitches that told the wife about foreplay”…That’s an Albertasexual – we don’t wait for understanding, we react.
Another example is that a few years ago we had a traveling karoke guy come in once a month to the bar by the name of Chris Dahl.  The strange thing was that he went to all the small towns around the area and as a result picked up a small crew that would follow him bar to bar.  He always started off the show by asking the audience what songs he should do before he started to bring people up.  On the first night Chris handed out the song books and as he was setting up his equipment, one of his regulars shouted to him, “Hey Dahl, ‘Let’s make whoopie’!”
Upon hearing that, Lyle stood up from our table walked over to the table of the karoke groupies.  He grabbed the guy who had shouted out his song request by the collars and pulled him out of the poor guy’s chair.  The guy was almost in tears as Lyle growled, “I suggest you leave…now.”  With that he let go of the guy’s collar and walked back to our table.  The guy quickly said his good byes and hurriedly walked out of the bar.
Chris came up to Lyle and asked what the hell the problem was.
Lyle took a long sip of his beer and said, “Listen here, we-“ he gestured with his head over at Terry, “already have our token queer…one’s alright, but if you have two of them in the same room they could procreate.”  Spoken like a true Albertasexual.
It’s not that we’re stupid, we’re just a little literal and belief that if a person says something then that’s what the person should be doing….and that perhaps people really should pay more attention to what they are saying to avoid any unpleasantness.  I could go on giving examples of what makes a person an Albertasexaul (I won’t even go into the panic that descended down on the sexually active population when the pharmacy announced about fifteen years ago that had received their first case of CD’s…needless to say there was some concern over “C” since it came way before “V” in the alphabet, and with a viable “C” word that could have stood for either sex, well…) but I think you see what we are.  With the amount of people coming to Alberta every year to get work we are a dying breed, our voices slowly being muted by those who want the world to run by committee where you just can’t tell where the buck stops.  I don’t know in the time before another election but I just hope that we’re not extinct then…..

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