Thursday, July 30, 2015


So yesterday was an interesting day, I had three little guests for the majority of the day; yes some damn fool was in such dire straits that she actually left her three boys with me. I used to baby sit them quite a lot in my old place, it had a big back yard and I had built the basement up so that it was practically a separate area (which my landlord took full advantage of and is renting out the top and bottom of the duplex for $975/month…compared to the $675 minus the building supplies I used to change and redo the upstairs and downstairs) so the kids had plenty of room to spread their wings. Now, I’m in a two bedroom four plex that has no back yard per se, and the playground across the way is undergoing renovations (I thought that was smart – tear up an entire playground in the middle of summer when the kids could use it the most, but hey that’s why I’m not on city council – I don’t have to squat and grunt to release ideas to the public) and my spare bedroom I’ve turned into a makeshift work room and have it filled with cabinets that I’m refinishing; so pretty much I had my bedroom (I had a conversation with my mattress last night, it said to me, “you know, it was kinda nice to have something bouncing up and down on me for once - even if it was a bunch of kids…loser” I reminded it that I was bouncing rather well on Saturday night and it countered that four bowls of really good spicy chili didn’t count), the bathroom, living room and kitchen for the rained in tykes to frolic in. To aid any one else put into this situation, I offer a few helpful hints:
Baby sitting tip #1 – Wear loose clothing that cannot accidentally rip when you’re attempting to reach under your entertainment center for ‘his bestest friend in the whole world ever’, who just happens to be a 2” Charizard figure that he got from the dollar store last week. If you don’t, you could suffer a very embarrassing rip approximately around the bottom front of your jeans, which leads to another child pointing to such rip and saying, “My mommy’s better than you – hers is bigger and she doesn’t even need to have clothes on!” Curb your natural curiosity to ask the child to describe just how much bigger it is
Baby sitting tip #2 – try to not to tell the children if they ask if there’s a boogie man or not that “of course not; as you grow older you’ll realize there’s even worse thing out in the world called New Democrats” other wise you risk the chance of getting a phone call around 11 that night from the parent asking why the hell her son is crying out, “Mommy! Mommy! Don’t let Stephen Harper get me!”
Baby sitting tip #3 – when one child is using the bathroom, don’t offhandedly tell another who has to go to just let it hang out through the balcony slats – they will do so.
Baby sitting tip #4 – They don’t call them Monster cookies because they are big – they are named so for what ensues after you bake them for the children.
Baby sitting tip #5 – Do not proudly show the children the replica of Asgard that you spent three nights building with 1457 pieces of Lego – they neither appreciate Norse Mythology nor understand why a thirty nine year old man still plays with Lego.
Baby sitting tip #6 – When baking, put the almost full bag of flour back after you use it other wise the 5 and 6 year olds will decide that they really want to see what their 3 year old brother looks like as a ghost.
Baby sitting tip #7 – When cleaning up after the children have been picked up…don’t wonder how peanut butter ended up where it did; just accept and move on.
Baby sitting tip #8 – Single mothers who tell you that if you look after her kids for the day they’ll make it worth your while lie…or think a lot differently on what the male mind thinks what makes their while – a slice of homemade banana crème pie is a lot different, in my mind, than banana creamed pie. Along the same lines, if the said mother is coming back from a funeral, do not say, “well, since you already buried one stiff today, what’s the harm in burying one more?”

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