Thursday, July 30, 2015


Michelle:  TONY!  What are you doing!
Me:  What does it look like I’m doing?  Drinking the splatter mat contents, of course!
Michelle:  For the love of pete!  Why?
Me:  Rene bet me that I couldn’t…
Michelle:  For Christ’s sakes – how much could be worth –
Rene:  Bragging rights – now he can say he did it….by the way how’s the bacon grease I poured in it before I gave it to you sitting with all the different alcohols floating around…
Michelle:  Men!
Me:  Guys…not men…guys.
Michelle:  What the hell are you talking about?  Oh shit!  I just opened myself up for it didn’t I
Rene:  Yes dear, you did….
Michelle:  You’re my husband – do something before he –
Me:  You see, men are different than guys
Michelle:  Oh God……
Me:  Close, but not quite….anyways…
Michelle:  I’ve gotta go and…
Rene:  Oh, my look at the time dear – I have to go do….something…I’ll be back in…say Tony, how long do you figure it’ll be?
Me:  Not long – ten minutes…
Rene:  Great – be back in twenty minutes, dear…
Michelle:  “Great news, honey, I just bought a bar in a small town”, he says.  “Just think, you’ll finally be far away from all the weirdoes that are in the city and around normal people”, he says...
Me:  Excuse me?
Michelle:  …should have divorced the fucker, that’s what I should have done.
Me:  Are you quite done?
Michelle:  How about a triple rye instead?
Me:  What?  My conscience couldn’t possibly stand the idea that I missed out on an opportunity to educate you on such an important matter of the difference between a man and guy.  Now remember when I told you the difference between boys and men?
Michelle:  Fortunately no…..
Me: when a male become a man chooses to see life in a certain way, he accepts responsibility for his actions and the ripple effects and affects that his actions have on others.  But  you see every man has a boy that has been trapped inside – the boy personality is a raging beast of utter egocentric hedonism that if it can’t stretch its ego a touch every once in a while, it will eat a man from the inside out.  Being a guy quells the evil that is inherent in the y chromosome’s genetic pattern.  Believe me – a man who lets his inner boy escape will lay waste emotionally, psychologically and most certainly physically to anyone – especially any woman that crosses its path.
Michelle:  Oooooooookkkkaaayyy…I suppose that you have something to say about women then?
Me: HA!  I may not be the brightest wick in the chandelier of life, but I am by no means that suicidal!   The female gender, in my experience, are far more lethal and fundamentally forthwith in their death orders than the Irani government.  This is mainly because while both believe in beheadings, females usually target the one that men actually are fearful of losing.  I would never sacrifice my little man to even hint at what my opinion on the difference I believe exist between girls and women.
As I was saying – being a guy is a conscious decision by a man to stretch his old immaturity out a little to confirm to himself that he still is under control of the beast.  See guys have only one meaning when we say ‘guys’ – so that when Rene goes to you, “see you later, babe – I’m going out with the guys” it means one thing:  “Excuse me dearest apple of my eye – I shall remove myself from your such beauty regretfully as I am about to spend several hours acting in a manner that you would find both inappropriate and embarrassing if I did such tomfoolery whilst in your delicate presence.  I shall spare you this travesty of inanity as you deserve only to be seen with me as the best example of manhood that I can be.”  Pretty damn simple, isn’t it?
The thing is that women, as per their usual methodology of complicating things, translates ‘guys’ into several different meanings that men don’t intend.
Michelle:  Oh do we?
Me:  Verily so, my dear, verily so.
You have the use of the term ‘guys’ as a demeaning statement…”Rene’s going out with the GUYS…I guess that just because I’m bloated, bitchy and tell him to ‘fuck off’ when he asks if he can get me a tea…he’d rather waste his time with the GUYS than take it like a man”….
You use it as a statement of anticipation…”He’s going out with the guys tonight – tomorrow I’m going out and buying a new couch and he’s not going to say shit because he’s bound to do something stupid that he’ll be feeling guilty about”…
The worse one is for bonding…. “Come on, just think of me as one of the guys”…but what women don’t get that bonding for men isn’t about sharing feelings – it’s about hurting the other…so one friendly bonding nipple twist and she ain’t no longer one of the guys but your accuser in a sexual harassment suit…but ya wanted to be one of the guys…
Anyway, there’s probably even more ways you woman turn a single tiny wave into an eddy of complications stemming from the word ‘guys’ that would make my head hurt even more than it already does…..
But that’s off topic.  Now, as I said, being a guy is a decision a man makes that makes him appear to be a simpleton but still maintains the semblance of responsibility because while a guy is indeed acting irrationally to a woman, he does not go out to hurt anyone but himself in the process.
See, as men, we have to listen, talk and answer appropriately in any given situation.  As guys, we have the option open to us to have no clue about what the hell is going on.  Being a guy means that we can objectify instead of being empathetic and understanding.
For example, a man sees another man who has a full set of hair, handsome looking, in great shape with a couple of women in his company – we have to think that obviously the other man is successful and charming and more alluring to the opposite sex than we are.  As guys, we can think  that the dude is obviously gay. 
Another example, men have to remember women’s names – guys, we just have to remember the assets that made us think of them in the first place – Does that make sense “Jiggles to the left while wiggles to the right”?
Michelle:  Sigh….So single men and single guys are different too I suppose….
Me: Correct.  Single men are looking for Ms. Right…single guys are looking for ms. Right, ms. Left, and Ms. Match the pubic hair with the ones in my teeth the next morning.  So single men are trying to make a good impression, boys like to make a good impression too but they will use lies, money, anything to get the chick and then dump her.  Single men don’t consciously try to do this since they are looking for something in terms of a long term arena of action.  Single guys, on the other hand are looking solely hitting par on the public three hole golf course of the female body.  That’s the big difference from the guy attitude versus the boys – guys may flirt but they make damn sure of two things:  one that the course hasn’t already been made a private course and that the woman is fully aware that this is short term.
Single men look for a particular woman, single guys just sort of dive into the pool and see where the wind…ok, which chick, blows them…..
See, I’m a single guy – not a single man.  I make the choices and I accept the responsibility just as a man would, however, women have no expectations of me other than that perhaps three out of the five times I go to the bathroom I remember to do up my pants at least half way.
Michelle:  You can’t fool me, Tony.  There are women who want to date you despite your…uniqueness…
 Me:  I would never date a woman who would lower her standards low enough to be seen in public with me!
Michelle:  C’mon you aren’t that ba -
  Me:  Hey…your right nipple is bigger than your left; is that like your ‘start’ button?  Do you go up to Rene and stick it out and say, “come on baby, push my button?”
Michelle: I stand corrected….
Me:  Well, now that I’ve done my good deed for the day, you’ll have to excuse me – Rod bet me that I couldn’t snort a shot of tequila through a straw*…
*Here is an important piece of information for all you guys attempting this bet – blow your nose first before attempting!  Chunky tequila does not – I reapeat – does not stay down for very long….
 If a Masochist asks a Sadist to beat him, and the sadist says "No!", then who's winning?

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